Life, Love & Why

Children

2012-01-30T00:45:00.002Z

St. George's Christmas Party from St George's Holborn on Vimeo.

Watching this video reminds me of how much I love working with kids. And whilst today's KidsZone may have been chaotic bordering on disastrous, I am reminded that firstly, there will be difficult times in ministry, and secondly, that Jesus is still God over it all.

"For in all things God works for the good of those who love Him"

Romans 8:28

"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."

Matthew 18:5

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these"

Matthew 19:14

Seek and Listen

2012-01-22T23:59:00.003Z

Oxford Forum for International Development

Feb 24-26, 2012

Oxford, United Kingdom

Fee: £20

Train fare: £15-20

The Justice Conference

Feb 24-25, 2012

Portland, Oregon

Fee: $109

Airfare: £500

One weekend. Two conferences. Two continents.

It's times like these that I wished I had Hermione's Time-Twister. And some money would be good too.

Blessings

2012-01-13T01:44:00.004Z

'You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.

Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.

Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.

In the same way, let your light shine before men,

that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven'

Matthew 5:13-16

The danger in sharing on such a public arena about all the blessings that God has given me or all the things He has led me to do is that I may end up receiving tons of compliments and praises which may go into my head. One of the things I need to guard against is becoming arrogant or proud over what I've done and forgetting that Jesus played the major role in all of this.

Hence this verse. Yes, let your light shine before men. Yes, let people see your good deeds. But so that they may praise your Father in heaven. Not praise you (ie me). That they (yes, that's you reading this) may realise that this overflow of love I have towards the world and life and people comes from a bottomless source that is the love of Christ. It is not my own doing. It is not my own 'greatness'.

My friend said to me not too long ago during a late night heart-to-heart, "Ohmygosh you're the most selfless person I know". Is it really possible to be this selfless by myself? Human nature is to be selfish. Probably worth writing a paper on that but the point for now is that I don't think I could be how I am if it wasn't for Jesus's selflessness.

Two nights ago I was a little troubled over all the blessings I'd received. I know, First World problem, isn't it? Having done the whole 2011 Reflection (which I will have to post at some point before it gets too late into 2012) and realising just how good the past year has been - and not just good good, but incredibly amazingly good - and how much God has just blessed me with this year, I almost felt... guilty. Isn't my walk with God supposed to be a mix of 'battle and blessings'?, I wondered. Yet I couldn't really identify any real 'battle' in the past year.

I know what you're thinking. Crazy girl, asking for trouble where she doesn't need it. I felt almost sadistic, that I felt like I needed a 'battle' for my life to feel real.

Then I read the 6th Jan reading for HTB's Bible in One Year (I know, I'm quite behind.)

God blesses us in order that we might be a blessing to other people.

This is what God said to Abraham:

'I will make you into a great nation

and I will bless you;

I will make your name great,

and you will be a blessing.

I will bless those who bless you,

and whoever curses you I will curse;

and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you'

Genesis 12:2-3

This is what God promises Abraham. And since we as Christians are adopted into Abraham's descendants, that means this promise, too, applies to us.

'and all the peoples on earth will be blessed through you'

And that made me realise this was exactly what was happening to me. All these blessings I've received are for me to use to bless other people. My battles will come in the future, I'm sure, but for now, with all the blessings that God has given me, I will give them back.

Because Jesus gave His life for us on the cross, to give us eternal hope and a new life.

*Prompted by readings from HTB's Bible in One Year for 4th, 5th and 6th Jan.

Luke 10:2 - Harvest

2012-01-10T23:04:00.007Z

Photo taken in Armenia

It was a familiar sight. Seated at the side of the pavement, back hunched, body rocking forwards and back to keep warm, plastic cup at his side. As I took those instinctive strides past him, with the excuse that had become formulaic forming in my head - "Well if only I had some food to give him; I will never give money to a homeless person, only food" - I suddenly stopped and realised I was holding some food in my hands. A whole plastic bag full of what would have been a feast for a homeless person, actually - chicken curry and naan bread and some Indian dessert, leftover from the dinner hosted by my professor earlier. It took a split second for it to strike me that no, I probably wasn't going to eat this anytime soon and the next thing I knew, I had turned around and walked back to where he was.

Even as I neared him, I noticed that he didn't look like a typical homeless person. No sleeping bag or cardboard on the floor, no bag full of his dearest possessions. He was even dressed quite decently, with tattoos all over his arms. I gave him the bag with food in it and before I could even say a thing, he had already launched into a huge thank you. I told him what was inside the bag and said something like "I don't know if you like curry but...", not really knowing what to say but it turns out I didn't have to know what to say, because he did all the talking.

There was a moment right after I'd given him the food and right before he launched into his monologue where my body felt like tearing away and going back home. The deed's done now, he has his food, time to go. But something made me stay, and we talked for a bit.

He told me about his problems, why he was out there asking for money - his girlfriend was pregnant and the baby was due; why he was a good person, really - he sells the Big Issue at this very corner everyday; why he was in trouble - he only gets paid on Thursday but needs £8.50 before then. I tried to ask him more questions about his girlfriend and their situation but he didn't really need any prompting, he just poured it all out.

"Why are people in the world so bad?" he asked, as he told me of how his girlfriend was attacked in the hostel where they stayed not too long ago. "And then there are people like ya. I'm tellin' ya, if ya hadn't come up to me, I'd have been in a real bad place. Yah an angel, that's wat ya are"

As he continued, I realised that he only needed someone to talk to. Or rather, listen to him. So I decided I'd stay a bit longer, even if it meant squatting down in quite an awkward position where I was suddenly conscious of the fact that I was probably flashing my butt crack to everyone walking on the street (I kept reaching behind to pull my T-shirt down), and even if it meant that my feet would hurt like crazy (just so you know, squatting in heels, no matter how low the heels are? Not fun).

At some point in the conversation, I had made up my mind to give him the money he needed. Although the figures in his story didn't really make sense - at one point he said £18.50, then a moment later he was just asking for £8.50 - and parts of his story didn't quite corroborate - one moment he was saying his girlfriend's expecting anytime now, then right before I said goodbye he said he would show me his twin daughters, they're only this big - but I still felt that I had to. He was in need. He was less fortunate than I. He seemed earnest.

I wanted so much to tell him why I was doing this, why I stopped in the first place - because of Christ's love for us, including him. I wanted to tell him that there is hope in Christ, even as he despairingly recounted his situation to me - his girlfriend was having twin girls, how would he feed them, he didn't want to have to steal, he was getting paid on Thursday. But this wasn't the time for a full account of Jesus dying on the cross for us. Instead, I took out a pen and joyfully acknowledged how aptly God had provided for this moment with the notepad I'd gotten just earlier that evening.

Before I could even write anything, he offered, "I'll give you my address, it's..." I definitely had not expected him to offer up that information. It turns out that he and his girlfriend both live at a homeless shelter, which was where they met. ("Funny, isn't it? That we meet a place like that? She lives next door to me, that's how we met") This exercise reveals that Fred* - we had both exchanged names and shook on it by then - did not know how to read or write, as he couldn't spell the name of the street he lived on. He could, however, spell his last name. ("That's always a hard one to spell, no one knows how to")

I then write down my name and the address of my church - what I could remember off the top of my head, anyway -

Zhen Lim

St George's Holborn

Queen Square

(near Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital)

- and told him he could get in touch with me that way. We talk a bit more. He tells me his girlfriend's troubled past. I invite him to church on Sunday. He asks me to write to him. I promise I will see him again.

And with that, I took my leave.

As I walked back home, I realised I had just done exactly what God had told me to do some time back. Intentionally seek out homeless people regularly, bless them with food or warm clothing, talk to them, build relationships with them, invite them to church. That has been sitting on my heart for years now, and every new year or new start of term I revisit this idea and think about how to go about doing it. Like a harvest ready for the reaping, it seems then that this might be the time.

This might be the time.

_____________________________

*name changed for privacy

How can you help? By praying - for Fred, his girlfriend, his twin daughters who may or may not yet be born, and for this little seed of an idea that suddenly burst into this encounter this evening this 10th of January 2012, whatever it may turn into.

"The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few.

Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field."

Luke 10:2

86 people. 17 universities. 15 countries. 19 nationalities.

2011-12-13T23:08:00.004Z

CTLS Fall Ball 2011

Photo credits: Francesca Pastore

How many times can you say goodbye to 86 people?

Not enough, it seems. There is a clear reluctance not to really say goodbye, evidenced by the sudden number of events and outings that have popped up over the next few days. Whilst it is true that this had always characterised our group, the sense of urgency in the air is thick. The dreamer has awoken, the spell is broken; the term is over, it is time to leave.

I wonder more than once whether my nostalgia is enhanced by the rose-tinted-glasses effect - the theory (I shall sheepishly admit to have first heard of it in How I Met Your Mother - not quite the sociological theory I was going for) that when you know something is about to end, you suddenly start seeing that person or circumstance in fondness, overlooking all negative points that you were so privy to before.

I will admit that there were times when I felt fatigue from the neverending socialising and outings. There were times when due to the sheer number of friendly people talking to one another I didn't quite know who to talk to or what to say. There were times when I questioned whether we really could become great friends in a mere span of four months. There were times when I felt torn between my existing duties and responsibilities to London, King's and St Georges, and my newfound friends.

It was for these reasons that I was very aware that I had not put in as much effort as I should have to get to know these people. Which was such a huge shame.

It really hit me when we celebrated Thanksgiving together, and everyone was given an opportunity to say what they were thankful for, that I realised I had not thrown myself into this experience as much as I should have. I did, in the first three weeks, got a bit skeptical, thought I should change my approach, and just ended up being too busy to even give it any more thought after.

And yet I still enjoyed it. I still grew to love these people. I still got to know them relatively well. But as always, not enough.

At thanksgiving I found out amazing facts that I had never known about some people. I started chiding myself for not asking the right questions. And that was when I decided we should make a yearbook. Because honestly, it is difficult to get to know all 86 people on a closer personal level within four months. There are bound to be some people you 'missed out' on really getting to know - that's just the way things are.

People have been saying it's great of me to have initiated this and organised this and everything, but my motives were not entirely unselfish - in some ways this was my form of atonement for not putting in as much effort as I should have in the past four months.

The following is part of the foreword I wrote for the yearbook:

"Too short", some would say; I say this was never meant to be the end, but the beginning of friendships crossing time zones and borders, and the beginning of the story of how 86 people changed the world

Whither shall we go from here? Separate life paths, but hopefully intertwining and intersecting at parts, so we all get a chance to catch up again and to continue getting to know one another.

And to all I pray this blessing,

"The Lord bless you and keep you;

The Lord make His face shine upon you,

and be gracious to you"

Numbers 6:24-25

until we next meet again

Bracelets and Necklaces

2011-11-30T22:55:00.004Z

I woke up today feeling frazzled and sleep-deprived, having slept real late the night before working on the CTLS Fall 2011 Yearbook, which caused me to wake up at the time I was supposed to be in class.

I came home today feeling completely refreshed and renewed, knowing that God has it all in control and that in His strength I can do all things.

It was my own genius idea to initiate and offer to design our yearbook when it was three weeks before the end of term and two weeks before our exam. A week has passed now and the time has come after the compiling and photo shoots to actually sit down and put it all together - a task which I was very much - and still am - up for doing.

But everything just seemed to weigh down on me today. I have an awesome team who have worked so hard to get all the materials we need for the yearbook, and I am extremely thankful for them, but it just seemed to all get to me today because this is crunch time now and it's up to me to get the design done.

So I thought maybe I should give Alpha a skip today - go home earlier, rest, finish up the design - but I went, and I am so glad, because just being in church talking and praying and worshiping in song lifted me so.

I was once again reminded of my 21st birthday verse, which is currently written on my wall:

'but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength

they will soar on wings like eagles

they will run and not grow weary

they will walk and not be faint'

Isaiah 40:11

And today my vicar JV had a verse for me:

'I adorned you with jewelry: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck'

Ezekiel 16:11

So here I am, completely renewed, ready to do His will.

The Good Samaritan(s)

2011-11-28T01:16:00.005Z

I was walking out of the King's Cross underground today and passed by McDonald's. There was a group of teenage boys exiting McDonald's at that very moment, and I'm not sure why but I kept observing them as I walked. I noticed their preppy wardrobe, and that they couldn't have been more than 16. There was about four of them at first, then I realised two other boys who looked maybe a year or two older - or perhaps it was the illusion of age their height gave - following behind as well. In their hands they held that quintessential teenage diet of McDonald's burgers and fries. In all aspects they were just a typical bunch of teenage boys hanging out on a Sunday at their favourite fast food place.

Then I saw something that was a bit less typical. These boys turned left at the entrance doors to where a homeless guy was sitting on the street, and gave him their McDonald's pack. Just like that, I had witnessed the beauty of humanity, and that in all that God created there is still good inherent in every human being.

By this time I had turned the corner into another street, but I could still look into the glass windows of the McDonald's store, so I kept looking. I saw a lady in her 30s sitting with a toddler, and I wondered if maybe she was one of their mums and had asked the boys to do this kind deed. But then I saw them re-enter the establishment and take their seats at a completely different table, without anyone else around. Then my strides took me beyond the view of the McDonald's, and I was left pondering the mystery of their philanthropy, with a smile on my face.

Love Endures All Things

2011-11-26T00:41:00.004Z

This song has been sustaining me these past few days and I wonder why I hadn't noticed it's beautiful simplicity earlier.

Tomorrow, I will be hosting a sharing session at my flat to let people know what I was up to over the summer and also to thank them for their support. Not many people can make it but I pray that the few who can will be blessed by the sharing.

Details of the event are here, and I kept it public for anyone who might be interested to attend should they wish.

Let tomorrow be a great day of fellowship and exchanging of dreams.

Because God made all humans equal, in His likeness

2011-11-20T22:56:00.002Z

Reichstag, Berlin

Photo source: Click here

Outside the Reichstag in Berlin today, each with a white rose, tea light candle and the name of one of the numerous people who was murdered because of his or her ethnicity or race in recent years.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him"

Genesis 1:27

We are all equal in God's eyes - if only we in this fallen imperfect world could see the truth.

Links to more photos here. (All in German though)

1 Timothy 4:12

2011-11-18T00:16:00.001Z

Amazing, tiring day of conferencing.

So much to digest, so much to think about, so much to pray about.

I am so glad I'm here.

BERLIN

2011-11-16T23:14:00.003Z

Berlin

Photo taken today

More thoughts to come. For now I need to sleep in anticipation of my full 9am-11pm day of conferencing tomorrow.

The night before a flight

2011-11-16T00:42:00.003Z

Why Pro Bono? Speakers Panel

King's College London, 10th Nov 2011

in conjunction with National Pro Bono Week 2011

Photo credits: Tan Jun Yin

Tomorrow, I travel to Berlin to help out at the European Pro Bono Forum 2011. I can't quite remember how I stumbled upon it - I was searching for something on Google and came upon the forum website, decided to email the organisers to see if I could attend as a student in return for helping with administrative tasks, and next thing I knew I was going to Berlin.

My life has been a series of such so-called 'lucky chances', which I know are less to do with coincidence and more to do with God's providence.

The past few days - weeks, even - have been jam-packed full of happenings which I have felt like sharing here again and again. Some back-dated retrospective posts may be put up over the next few days so if you're reading, check back for posts before this one.

But for now, I have 3 hours to nap before I wake up and get ready to catch the second tube of the day to Heathrow, where my flight will bring me to Berlin Tegel. I never seem to sleep on the nights before any flight I take. I am very much looking forward to the conference - it will hopefully be a huge inspiration for new ideas for the society - and I am also looking forward to catching up with EL and IS whom I will be staying with over the next few days.

So Gude Nacht for now, and more to come!

Save The World. Change Lives. One Person At A Time.

2011-11-10T22:02:00.003Z

Photo taken in Armenia, during my Habitat for Humanity Women's Build

The title came from after the Why Pro Bono event I was chairing on Thursday, which I mentioned here. The event itself was great, our speakers were amazing and inspiring, and we had a turn out of about 54 people. I'm thankful for the turn out, but I do still wish that more people could have heard the panel, because what they had to say was so very relevant.

As I was walking home after the event, the title phrase suddenly came to mind. Save the world. Change lives. One person at a time. It's something I've quite often prayed in church, that if all we do was to encourage one person in their faith, or to bring one person to Christ, it would all be worth it (alluded to in the Parables of the Lost Sheep, the Lost Coin and of course the Prodigal Son, found in Luke 15).

I realised then that this applied to the work I do in a secular setting too. That if everything was just to inspire one person, it would all be worth it.

Of course when you speak in business terms of returns or gains it would be a case of wasted or ineffective usage of resources. But when the things you are trying to do are of potentially cosmic significance, how can you measure the returns of something like that? You might end up inspiring or moving the next Martin Luther King Jr, or the next Hugh Evans (co-founder of the Global Poverty Project).

Pro bono work is so important today when more and more people are realising that with the rising cost of legal services they simply do not have access to the justice system. Justice is about fairness and equality for all, and when people are excluded from that merely because they can't afford it, then it becomes a justice for the rich or middle-class. And what we have will not be considered just at all.

So if our Why Pro Bono event has managed to inspire even just one person to take up pro bono work in their future legal career, who in turn helps say maybe one person every year of their career (assuming their busy schedules allow them to only take up one pro bono case a year), and they have a career spanning 30 years, that would be 30 more people who can say they have access to justice, and 30 lives changed because of that.

So yes, even with 54, I will praise God for the answered prayer.

Faith

2011-11-09T23:12:00.003Z

Faith. That's all I have to live on.

KCL Pro Bono is organising a panel discussion tomorrow in conjunction with National Pro Bono Week, featuring an amazing line-up of speakers, who are all coming to speak thanks to our indispensable i-Pro Bono Rep, RP.

It's tricky when you organise something like that, because you never know how well-attended it may be. When we organised the Cherie Booth talk last year that was the least of our worries, because she's such a huge household name that it's easy to draw crowds with her.

This time round though, I'm worried. Actually, no, it's not so much worry, but more of if not that many people turn up, I will feel as if I'd let people down - the speakers who have literally fit us into their busy schedules, my committee who have worked so hard on this (especially RP!), and the invisible audience whom I know would have benefited greatly from it.

So what can I do? The event is tomorrow, we've done all we can do for now, and all that's left is to pray, and to have faith.

I know that in the bigger scheme of things, there are worse things that could happen to the world than for this one event to be poorly-attended. And yet I believe that if we inspire people to take up more pro bono work, more people will have access to justice, and society as a whole will be better off.

Faith, as small as a mustard seed. (Matthew 17:20)

Woke up today with this song in my head, such a beautiful reminder

Get Up and Walk

2011-11-06T21:39:00.004Z

Photo credits: Greg Weaver

Photo taken in Forte Rocca, Bobbio Pellice, Italy,

during the Transform Italy 2011 Dance Mission Outreach

(The beginnings of this post has been sitting in hibernation in my drafts folder since September 5th)

'Get up and walk', Jesus said. (see John 5:1-15)

When God calls us to do something, our first reaction is almost always 'I'll pray about it'. Then we go back home and pray about it for awhile. Sometimes we decide after a long period of deliberation that maybe we should try it out. Or sometimes we just end up delaying it for so long that eventually we push it to the back of our minds.

It's a generalisation, of course, and despite this tendency of ours to put things off I still hold on to the promise that God's timing is alway perfect.

When you read John 5:1-15, we see that Jesus, in effect, tells the man who was invalid that if he wants to be healed, he has to get up and walk! This verse came to me when I was praying about what God wanted me to do with dance, whether to start something in my church or just take lessons or something else. And those words stood out clearly to me:

Get up and walk.

Yes, it's good to pray about it. But now it's time to get up and walk.

And as soon as I conceded to God that I will do something about dance here in London, I started seeing opportunities for using dance in ministry everywhere.

Two months on, and it still has taken awhile for it to kick off. A few of us came together two weeks ago for our very first dance choreography session. We couldn't have it for the next two weeks after because of circumstances, but my feet are itching to dance now.

Today at the 6pm service where I was on the welcome team sitting outside the main sanctuary, OC came out to chill with us and we eventually started dancing. It was just for fun at first, then the worship started again and we found ourselves dancing to the worship song that was being sung. JV noticed from the front where he was preaching, and apparently he mentioned it to the congregation (we couldn't hear this part!) so people looked back and saw us dancing. And then after the service two people came up to say that it was beautiful and that we should do more dancing.

I was so, so encouraged by that! One of the guys I was speaking to told me of other worship dances he had seen elsewhere. On a completely random note (or is it?), it turns out that this guy's regular church is the same church that DS, another guy from the Transform dance team, goes to, and that they are both lodgers at the church!

As I've told my friends, I still don't know where God is leading with this. I don't know how this dance ministry will take shape. But I will learn to be faithful and obedient and follow Him even when I'm not sure what's supposed to happen. Because He has proven His faithfulness time and again.

P.S.: If you are in London and would like to dance, regardless of your faith, get in touch with me! :)

Equip

2011-11-04T21:50:00.003Z

photo taken in Brecon Beacons National Park

'I really only love God as much as I love the person I love the least'

Dorothy Day

A quote I read from Philip Yancey's What's So Amazing About Grace?, which I'm still halfway through.

I have been feeling overwhelmed lately, with the overload of information and possibilities over the past week, and also from the sudden influx of things that need to be done. I spent my whole afternoon today trying to rush off something instead of writing my Nationalism paper, and when I (sort of) finished it, I realised I quite badly needed to rest, pray and just surrender it to God.

Thankfully, I managed to do just that this evening, and though I am up till later than I'd expected, it has still been a relaxing evening-in. I was brought back to remember something I had pushed to the back of my mind recently - I had come to realise, at the start of the term, that one of the possible reasons why God allowed me to head the Pro Bono Society was because He wanted me to realise that I cannot do anything without Him; on my own strength, I am nothing.

Countless times I have felt overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things that need to be done for the society, or just things that we could do to constantly improve. Leading a team is hard work. Some people think that all you need to do is just delegate everything so you end up not doing any work at all, but that's not how it is. Ideas are constantly popping into my mind everyday no matter where I go or who I talk to. Ideas on how to do things differently. Ideas for new events or projects or collaborations. Ideas on who to invite to speak. I love it, I do - especially the sound of that light bulb switching on in your head when you get a bright spark.

But sometimes I feel like the task is a mountainous one before me, and it will take me a long time to get around it.

Devotion readings for the past two days have been from Judges 6:11-21, on Gideon being called by God to help save the Israelites from foreign rule, and from Isaiah 6:1-8, the famous passage of 'Here I am, send me!' About God empowering those He has called to do the work He called them to do.

So I claim that promise, that God will equip us for His work.

Criminal Justice

2011-11-01T00:52:00.001Z

The weekend past, our International Criminal Law class made the nine-hour-road-and-ferry-journey to the Hague, Netherlands to visit the International Criminal Court and the International Tribunal of the Former Yugoslavia.

I say 'visit', but in reality it was very much a study trip. We travelled on a Thursday, had lectures from 9am-6pm on the Friday, more lectures from 9am-1.30pm on the Saturday, after which we made the long journey back to London. Intense doesn't even begin to describe it. Jam-packed schedule, insightful lectures, lack of sleep... and yet I felt the most awake and engaged then than I had in the past two weeks. I suppose that can be partially attributed to my being ill. Whatever it was, I loved getting back into going all out in Life again.

The weekend has given me so much to think about! And to pray about too. Just been having a sudden surge in opportunity doors lately, not just from the weekend, and will need to seek God's will.

Why and How Should We Pray?

2011-10-27T01:35:00.003+01:00

Great session at Alpha today. I love having my neighbours in Alpha, they bring such a fresh perspective.

Some of the questions that were raised:

Have you tried praying and did you get a response?
How can you tell if it's God answering your prayer? What would count as a response?
Were there situations in your life where there were a series of coincidences which you in hindsight realised might have been more than a 'coincidence'?
How can we distinguish between a mere 'coincidence' and an answered prayer?
What about the 'non-coincidences'?
Are these just ways of us explaining away things?

And plenty more, about believing without seeing, about growing up as a Christian or not growing up as a Christian and then becoming one...

Despite my long day of lessons and meetings which meant having to miss the first half of the session, I was glad I went anyway. The discussion really refreshed me, though I did say some silly things, like

'There is a God-shaped heart in our holes'

Seriously, Zhen, that tired?

My tired brain also suddenly came up with this analogy, though I can't for the life of me remember whether I had read it from elsewhere or heard it from someone else:

The question was whether people who had been raised as Christians found it harder to have faith in contrast to people who had not been raised as Christians. I said that fish that grew up living in the water don't realise that they are wet - but someone who did not grow up living in water would be aware of the sensation of being wet when he first encounters water. It doesn't mean that both are not wet when they are in the water, just that one is more aware of it.

Well, I said something to that effect at least.

Quite looking forward to St George's Alpha Weekend Away now. :)

Mountain top

2011-10-25T23:28:00.003+01:00

This was taken when I went hiking with NG in Brecon Beacons two weekends ago. The day was beautiful and the weather was simply the best one could ask for when in the British Isles. Adventurous as we were, we opted for the seven-hour-long guided walk which saw us literally walking up and down, up and down, up and down again... It was a rewarding walk though, with breathtaking views you would not get otherwise.

This photo was taken after we had taken a particularly steep and strenuous hike up the side of a mountain and were now enjoying the easy stroll along the mountain top. My heart was so full of joy and wonder at the scenery before me that I felt like dancing and thanking God.

Then suddenly I felt God saying to me, not for the first time this month, that yes, I am on a mountain top now, but at some point in my spiritual walk I will have to face the deserts and the valleys again, like my desert when I first came to London.

I don't know when that will be, but I know firmly that whatever the circumstance, Jesus will carry me safely through it, and we will emerge to another mountain top once more.

I was sharing this with NW earlier today - it is so good to start the day off with catching up with a dear friend - it came up because she had, funnily enough, also been reading a book that describes one's spiritual walk with God in similar allegories. She also encouraged me to revive this blog which is why I am here sharing this, and also because I have felt like doing so for a few days now.

It came about really when I read United Pursuit's blog, and realised I should be sharing on instances like that too. Moments in life that make you realise there is meaning to all this. Coincidences or chance encounters that fill you with such inexplicable joy. And then I found out another friend had also started a similar blog sharing specifically on he and his friends' spiritual journeys.

So I thought, all these random things that I feel like sharing on Facebook sometimes... Wouldn't it make more sense to share them here, with proper explanations to them?

So here we are, after my conversation today, convicted to do this. Little snippets of life, as I explore life and the issues God has placed on my heart.

I hope you enjoy reading and exploring them too.

Take My Life

2011-10-25T23:00:00.006+01:00

I want my life to be a fragrant offering that fills the heavens

An outpouring of love and grace and mercy in increasing abundance

With a fire burning in my soul, inexhaustible

That I can't contain, that I can't control

Photo Credits: Andrew Nakhla

Last line taken from Set A Fire by United Pursuit Band

Speaking in Songs

2011-10-24T23:23:00.002+01:00

'Instead, be filed with the Spirit.

Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs.

Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord,

always giving thanks to God the Father for everything,

in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ'

Ephesians 5:18-20

I woke up this morning with this song in my head. And then when I was doing devotion, I came across this verse. Speak to one another with spiritual songs. So very apt, no?

Being God's hands and feet even without arms and legs

2011-08-07T10:54:00.003+01:00

I promised to, and still fully intend to, write more detailed entries on my time in Armenia.

But before that, take some time to read about Nick Vujicic - born without arms and legs without any apparent medical reason, he struggled with his sense of identity and self-worth before overcoming them and becoming a motivational speaker, traveling all around the world today.

I met him briefly when he came to speak at Holy Trinity Brompton's Focus church camp just over two weeks ago. His story is truly inspirational and amazing - please do check out his website for yourself and watch one of his videos. I think he has one that has been spreading on YouTube for quite a few years now but there's a Media section on his website that has quite a few videos.

I'm currently in the midst of reading his book, Life Without Limits. It's an easy read but deeply moving at the same time. He has recently gotten engaged - he and his fiancee look so cute together!

The video of his talk at Focus can be found here. Watch it and be blessed. :)

Radiculitis

2011-06-30T20:21:00.004+01:00

So I know I owe two days' worth of stories but I really don't have time to type it out. Our team is doing a daily journal and we each take turns for one day - I'm supposed to write about yesterday but I only got the journal today so I've been writing in that instead and am still not done yet so that's a priority at the moment.

But just a few quick summaries:

- yesterday, the team from HFH Armenia gave a presentation over lunch on their past and future projects

- we are a little behind schedule

- BUT today we made the most progress apparently, despite all of us surviving on only 4 hours sleep because we had stayed up late on Wednesday night (Which is why I didn't have time to blog)

- Wednesday night was awesome

I will be quite sad to leave Armenia, but at the same time excited for my next adventure - which I've just realised I haven't actually posted on this blog even though I meant to. Basically I will arrive back in London this Sunday at about 1pm and just over 12 hours later I will have to leave again to start making my way to Stansted to catch a flight to Italy, where I will then spend the next three weeks on a short-term mission trip exploring dance as a medium of outreach. Hopefully I won't have too sore muscles from this trip. :D

Please pray for me to pray more. Ahahhh. And also to be more patient inside - my hormones are messing with my patience, go figure. AND my exam results are supposed to be coming out either tonight or tomorrow. And I can't help but keep checking. Surrender all to His glory.

Tatty and Poppy

2011-06-28T20:23:00.005+01:00

Today was great. Despite a few sore muscles, I think everyone was up for a second day of hard work and we managed to do quite a lot. We've started laying the bricks for the walls and we've already placed three levels - eight more to go!

Tonight at our reflection time, we shared our Highs, Hopes and Lows since coming to Ijevan, and since I don't have much time, I thought I'd quickly type mine out.

Highs:

Meeting all the Armenian people and talking to them. Yesterday, we had a discussion after lunch with some of the women villagers. Today after our work day, we visited two families that have been helped by Habitat. Even through a translator, I felt like we were really connecting with them - some of them were just so eager to talk and share their experience, especially our hostess in our build.

Meeting everyone else and just having such interesting conversations. Exchanging stories of life and culture fascinates me - I can just sit and hear people talk about their lives for ages - I remember the night before I left for Armenia I sat with my friend and just talked for three hours about Norway and Malaysia and Life - and coming here and meeting people from all walks of lives, from the team members to the Habitat Armenia people, has just been amazing.

Low:

Not being able to fully contribute to all the work because my body is not up to tip-top condition (well if it's having nosebleeds then it must be telling me something...)

Hopes:

To be able to complete our building work and finally present the keys to our hosts during the House Dedication Ceremony on the last day.

Armenian vocabulary

Learnt how to say a few more Armenian phrases today, but I can't spell it to save my life, so I shall just type it out phonetically:

Schno-hal-ga-lum-jum - Thank you (the short form is the same as French, merci, but I wanted to learn the long one too)

Shot lavae - Very good

Gorem - I'm satisfied

Yis ti-li-bin-kis - I love you (Ok I might have gotten this completely wrong except for the first and last syllables, need to check it again!)

Hajo - bye

Tatty - grandma

Poppy - grandpa

Full work day tomorrow, gotta rest for that! :)

______________

Devotion for today: (Haven't done devotion for a few days heh)

From 1 Corinthians 12, about how everyone is given different gifts from God to work together for His glory. Need not even elaborate on how relevant that is right now. :)

How To Build A House: Phase I

2011-06-28T14:56:00.006+01:00

Step 1: Sift sand

Step 2: Mix cement

Step 3: Lay the bricks

Step 4: Fill the gaps with cement

Step 5: See tomorrow

First Day of Build

2011-06-27T21:01:00.000+01:00

So, I'm the youngest person on the team, and yet I was the first casualty of the build. Embarrassing much?

Well I suppose a nosebleed can hardly count as a casualty, but still. I had to be put to rest and lie down for the rest of the day. At least it was already nearing the end of our working times anyway so I didn't miss much.

Apart from the little nose-bleeding incident (and because I know my parents are reading this - I AM FINE MUM, REALLY, I FELT AND STILL FEEL COMPLETELY FINE) - everything else was great. We got to the work site and met the family we were building for, and they were absolutely amazing. I think we all feel treated like queens here. The family and their neighbours prepared tea for us, cooked lunch for us, spoiled us basically. And their kids - so adorable!

Us with the family

Sumptuous lunch spread of home-cooked Armenian food

Our work today consisted of sifting sand and levelling the ground of the work site. We are building an additional room for the family, which isn't actually attached to their current house so it's more like a separate room, but the intention is to eventually put a roof over the part that would connect the house to this new room. We basically had to shovel dirt and sift it through this rectangular wire-netting frame by piling dirt on top of the frame which had been placed at an angel to the ground so that the smaller dirt would fall through the netting whilst the bigger stones would fall to the bottom of the frame. Sounds easy but it took us quite awhile.

When the ground was 40% sifted, some of us started work on levelling the ground instead. By the end of the day, we finished sifting I'd say 60% of the dirt? Tomorrow we will be continuing with that and - excitedness - brick-laying!

Many interesting things happened today as well, and I'd really like to share about the discussion we had with the local village women after lunch, but that will have to wait (along with all the other things that require time for me to reflect on and collect my thoughts and slowly write about. Seems like I will be keeping this blog wayyyy long after this trip is over.)

I know I keep saying this but I think especially with my little incident today I want to make sure I get enough sleep and rest and water to continue building so I shall leave you at this. Keep checking and praying! A few of us got blisters or signs of the beginnings of a blister - inevitable consequence of hard work I guess. But do continue to keep us in prayer. :)

Oh and another thing I'd forgotten to mention, we are actually working with two people short because two of the women who were supposed to join us on this trip couldn't make it in the end. One had an ear infection and was told by her doctor the day before the trip that she could not fly, and the other was the unfortunate victim of flight delays and since she had to take three flights to get here, the airline for her Moscow-Yerevan flight would not rebook her for a later flight. So we are hoping that we will still be able to finish the work despite being two (wo)men down but with all the local people helping as well it shouldn't be a problem! But do pray anyway please and thank you.

"The Lord bless you and keep you;

the Lord make His face shine upon you;

and be gracious to you."

Numbers 6:24-25

Genocide

2011-06-26T19:17:00.003+01:00

We left our hostel at 9am today to take a short city tour. Habitat had arranged for a local guide to bring us around and explain to us the historical and cultural significance of some of the sights in Yerevan. We walked around the city centre - one of the things that struck me was how proud Armenians were of their national culture and art. They had statues erected everywhere which, when we were walking around the day before, did not know belonged to what national figure, so it was good to have our guide point out who each one was - and they were almost invariably famous Armenian artists. This was a famous Armenian composer here at the opera house, that was a famous Armenian artists there at the artist's market, here was the famous Armenian architect who designed most of Yerevan today... I admired their appreciation for their local talents, but I did not realise that I was soon to understand further why.

After walking around the city centre, we were taken up to the cascades where we had a beautiful view of Yerevan. Our next stop was then the Armenian Genocide Museum. Which, as I already alluded to on my facebook page, was harrowing to say the least.

April 24 is the date that Armenians commemorate the Armenian Genocide. Till this day, only 22 countries recognise the Armenian Genocide carried out by the Turks at the turn of the 20th century - which is why Armenia does not have diplomatic relations with Turkey, who refuse to recognise it. The genocide was carried out over a number of years, but April 24 was chosen as the commemoration date as that was the date where a huge number of Armenian intellectuals and artists living in Constantinople were arrested and killed - that date is referred to as the one of the stages in the genocide where cultural genocide was the aim. It didn't occur to me then; it was only later that I put two and two together and realised why they erected so many statues of their Armenian artists - they were trying to regain a lost era in Armenian culture.

Genocide. It is such a horribly diplomatic word, is it not? It sounds so formal, so far removed, so unfeeling - as if to remove the speaker from the real meaning and effect of that word, to detach him from all the atrocities it stands for. Let's lose that word - say it for what it is - a mass killing, a mass murder, a massacre. Hearing the cold hard facts from the museum guide, seeing the photos of the women and children who were made to walk the 'Death Walk' where there was no destination and the aim was simply to starve them to death, watching the movie depicting the crucifixion of 15 young girls - how do you respond to something like that? If that wasn't enough, later at the end of the tour, one of the other visitors to the museum was relating his story to the guide and his other friends - I didn't listen in to a lot of it - I couldn't - but I caught snippets here and there, of how his grandfather and father had to leave his uncle behind, how they couldn't bear to - this was a very real incident that affected real people who are still living today.

I understand now what drove the Armenian diaspora to become one of the largest in the world today. (If you don't know what diaspora means, it's ok, I didn't know before I read up on Armenia either. Go look it up).

As I walked through the museum, Brooke Fraser's Albertine kept playing in my head:

'Now that I have seen

I am responsible

Faith without deeds is dead'

Written in response to her trip to Rwanda and seeing the effects of the genocide there.

What does one do? How do you respond?

_______________________________

Interesting Fact of the Day

Armenians with their last name ending in 'ian' as in Kardashian (well I'm sorry, they are some of the more famous Armenians around today) and Gulbenkian are usually part of the Armenian diaspora whereas Armenians with their last name ending in 'yan' as in Magaryan or Grigoryan are Armenians still living in Armenia.

Why?

In Turkish, the 'y' is pronounced differently and thus the 'i' would have been a better translation (or something like that) for Armenians who lived in Turkey. And (my own deduction) since most of the Armenians who lived in Turkey were persecuted and thus had to flee, they then formed most of the Armenian diaspora.

Helloooooo Armenia!

2011-06-25T14:17:00.008+01:00

And so my 10-day trip to Armenia begins.

As promised, I will be blogging everyday to let you guys know how I'm getting on. I can't promise to write anything journalism-publishing-worthy, but I can promise to give an honest first-hand account of a foreigner building in Armenia.

I started traveling from 11am yesterday, which is when I left my friend's flat where I was staying (having been kicked out from my flat a few days before) and got on the tube from King's Cross headed for Heathrow Terminal 1. The tube ride was relatively uneventful except that I got my first injury even before I started building. For some reason - I don't know how - my nail on my left forefinger started bleeding. Not badly, but it was quite a curious thing. I must have somehow hurt myself in the midst of carrying my luggage.

Mysterious injury

I reached Heathrow at 12pm and checked-in with Austrian Airlines. I was a little confused initially because Austrian Airlines partnered with bmi for the flight from London to Vienna, where I was to transit for five hours, so I thought I had to check-in with bmi. Turns out I had to walk all the way to the other side of the terminal to check-in with Austrian Airlines. Had a slight panic moment over whether I had enough time but that was unfounded. Checked-in and went through security without any problems and had plenty of time before the gate opened at 1.20pm, so I grabbed some Pret breakfast/lunch - by the way, is it not strange that Stansted has a Starbucks but not Heathrow Terminal 1? - and looked around to get some internet.

The flight was delayed by about 20 minutes - I was getting a little restless because it was 1.45pm and our gate had not been announced yet. When it finally was announced, we still weren't allowed to board until way after our flight was initially supposed to take off at 2.05pm.

The flight landed in Vienna at 5.40pm Austrian time. We had five hours before our next flight to Yerevan and since my legs felt a little itchy, I thought why not take a fast train to the city centre and meet up with Michelle? So that's what I did.

Got back at the airport just before 9pm and waited again for boarding. I finally met Stef, the other girl traveling on the same flight as me to Armenia, in the boarding lounge while waiting for the flight. The flight took off at about 10.30pm and I fell asleep for most of the flight. The aerial view of the Vienna city skyline was beautiful - I do love that city. Lucky me had all three seats to myself so I could lie down on all three seats though I must say it wasn't as comfortable as I'd always expected.

Our flight touched down in Yerevan at 4.25am Armenian time, which was 4 hours ahead of London. Stef went to get her Armenian visa upon arrival (I'd already gotten an e-visa online but wished I hadn't now because the visa upon arrival is so much cooler - they stick it onto your passport - and cheaper too) and I queued up to get some money changed. The queue took so long that in the end I just decided to use the currency exchange machines on the left of the counter - which was a huge mistake. It just so happened that as soon as I put in my £20 note, the machine released 800 Armenian drams in coins (£1 is about 585 Armenian drams) and went bust. After an English-speaking Armenian official from the airport was located, I was told that apparently the machine restarts automatically at 5am everyday, which is what had happened. Righttt. So she suggested I wait and see if the machine would give me my money after it started up again. Didn't happen. So she then said I should call the Armenian Business Bank (the provider for the machines) and tell them what happened, and apparently they would then reimburse me.

Naturally, we were skeptical. Just like that? Without any written proof? She assured us that the bank had cameras which they could use to identify us. Right. I tried asking her to make a report to the bank but she insisted I would still have to call them up myself. I still haven't managed to try it yet because the bank was closed today by the time we got there but I will do so tomorrow!

Stef and I were picked up at the airport by a driver from Habitat for Humanity Armenia, which was a nice luxury since we were both tired from traveling. It had took us a long time to clear immigration so it was already 6am by the time we set off from the airport. Thankfully the ride to our hostel in the city centre took all of 20 minutes. We checked into Theatre Hostel, which we later found out has been partnering with Habitat for Humanity for quite some time now - our room had HFH flyers and references all over - and after a proper shower, we both crashed on our beds.

I didn't even hear the other team members arriving later in the morning. It was not till 1pm that I woke up and realised two other people had already checked-in as well. We met our team leader, Zuzka, not long after that. We then decided to head out to the city to explore for a little before dinner, which was scheduled to be at 7pm.

First sight of Yerevan proper

It's getting quite late now so I will describe my first impressions of the city some other time. Basically we walked around, bumped into a bunch of American Armenian senior students, walked around some more, found a cafe in the park to have lunch with, had quite an amusing time trying to communicate with the waitress, walked around some more, and went back to the hostel. Not long after, two more team members arrived as well and soon enough it was dinner time.

We had dinner at a restaurant that is supposed to serve good Caucasian food. It was great talking and getting to know the rest of the team, everyone is really nice and has such different experiences to share. Stef and I are the only students - there's Zuzka, our team leader from Slovakia who works with HFH Europe; Jamie from Connecticut who just graduated; Gail from the States who also works with HFH; Dana from the States who is a teacher; Emily who grew up in the States but now works in Hong Kong in banking and there's Alpha who will be arriving tomorrow. Everyone's so friendly and excited - I like that we're quite a diverse bunch - some of us have done builds before, some not; for one person it's her first time outside her home country; everyone works in a range of different fields etc.

Our team at dinner

For everyone who has been keeping me and the rest of the team in prayer, thank you! Do continue to do so, again for these things:

safety in our travels and builds
fellowship with one another and the community
health!
for us to be able to complete our work on time

Sorry if this is a rather scattered post - I suppose most of my updates will be like that as I'd only be able to quickly type out the basic bare facts at night after most people have gone to bed. As much as this - updating you guys - is a priority, I wouldn't want to be facing the computer the whole time whilst everyone else is talking either - I'm not here to be anti-social - which means I'll only have that short time by myself at the end of a tiring day to do a quick summary before going to much-needed sleep.

So unfortunately, this will have to do for now! Much love and blessings!

2 MORE DAYS TO ARMENIA!!!!!

2011-06-23T00:08:00.002+01:00

For some strange reason, our team newsletters seem to arrive on the days of my vaccinations. Haha.

Final Hep B jab today, final team newsletter today. We received pretty important information, including an emergency contact sheet, our complete itinerary and the profile write-up of the family we will be building for. We will be helping the family build an extension to their existing house, which is definitely more manageable in 5 days than building entire homes.

I spent the whole day today sifting through all the previous newsletters and guides we had received, making lists of things to print out, things to pack and things to buy. I've bought most of the things I'll be needing to bring to the trip, except for two pairs of work gloves. After buying that and my laundry dries, I will be able to pack properly for the trip and hopefully squash everything into my bagpack.

I really like the itinerary - there is a fair amount of work scheduled for us and at the same time, there are other interesting bits which balance out the workload so people like me who don't build in a regular basis will be able to slowly ease myself into the schedule. The itinerary includes some light sightseeing on the weekend when we arrive, discussions with the local women, a family visitation and something I'm very much looking forward to - a house dedication ceremony at the end of the build.

Right I definitely want to ensure I update everyday whilst I'm on the trip, once again, give me a scolding if I don't!! I do still have a lot of things I want to write about. One at a time. :)

Newsletter #3

2011-06-13T00:01:00.003+01:00

This is just going to be a quick update - busy packing to move my things out of my flat!

I've just had my second vaccination for my Hep B course. And we just received more information from our team leader, including short bios of the team members and two of the HFH Armenia staff who will be joining us.

Right will try to update more!

A thing or two on vaccinations

2011-06-07T23:39:00.005+01:00

Finally managed to find the time to finish up that post on Why Armenia! Have a read below!

I do have tons of thing I want to post up here but I just need to find the time to tweak them.

I sent out email updates to everyone last week, and received a few encouraging messages again in return. Sorry I haven't replied them personally, things are a bit busy at the moment. But know that they are all very much fully appreciated and definitely help me as I prepare for this trip!

One of my medic friends reminded me to check my vaccinations were up-to-date. One step ahead of you there, V! Just thought I might give a clearer idea of preparations so far:

Health-wise, these are the injections I have taken or will have to take:

27th May - one for Hep A, one for diphteria, tetanus & polio

1st June - first course of Hep B

14th June - second course of Hep B

22nd June - third course of Hep B

I was trying to avoid taking my Hep B jabs because I have to pay £60 for the whole course (unlike the other two vaccinations which were covered by the NHS) so I was trying to figure out if I did indeed have them when I was a child and how long immunity lasts for. In the end I decided it wasn't worth taking the risk, and the travel nurse said that immunity for Hep B usually only lasts for five years, after which a booster jab can be taken for those who are at risk. But since I most definitely had my vaccinations more than 5 years ago, I have to do the entire course again.

Even then, my dates are less than ideal - normally, the second course of a Hep B vaccination should be taken 7 days after the first and the last 21 days after the first, but because my parents are here and we're traveling around, the earliest date I can make for my second course is 13th June which just so happens to fall on a Sunday, during which my clinic is closed, thus I had to settle for the 14th. The nurse said a slight delay in the second course is not that big a deal. But this is good advice to everyone out there intending to travel or go on volunteer trips - first, try to confirm your trip WAYYYY in advance (so you won't be stuck like me without time to fundraise but then again God provided so abundantly so I guess it depends) and second, start your vaccinations WAYYYY in advance too!

Right like I said, have tons that I want to share, will do so slowly but surely!

/edit

Oops, just realised I did give a brief summary on my vaccinations before, but I guess this is more detailed so might be helpful for people wanting to go on trips in the future? Heh.

Why Armenia?

2011-06-07T21:31:00.004+01:00

I have a confession to make. Before I decided to sign up on this trip, I didn’t know where exactly Armenia was located on the world map. I thought it was somewhere in Eastern Europe, between Macedonia and Turkey, so I was quite shocked to find that it was closer to the Middle East than I’d thought and even borders Iran. Which, for ignorant comfortable ordinary-class citizens like me, is an immediate flag for danger. So why did I decide to go to Armenia then?

Click on photo for clearer view

Armenia, bordering Turkey to the West, Georgia to the North, Azerbaijan to the East and Iran to the South

I will be flying into Yerevan, the capital, and traveling to the Tavush region to build there

Armenia was never my first choice. When I first got to know about Habitat for Humanity’s Global Village Build Trips, I wanted to build in Romania or Macedonia. I even thought that God wanted me to go to Macedonia because it came up a few times in my Bible readings when I was formulating my Summer plans for the year (which just goes to show that discerning God’s will is never an exact science).

The short, uninteresting story would be that all things considered, it was the only Global Village Build I could fit into my dates for my at that time provisional summer plans. At one point, I think I had listed down five different combinations of HFH trips and OM short-term mission trips that I could possibly make with the time I had to spare over the summer.

The longer story would be that when the time came for my grandiose plans to be put into action, the final push came in the form of an Armenian oil tycoon who lived in the 1900s. Calouste Gulbenkian was not a household name. I came to know of him when I was travelling in Portugal and visited his museum, which houses an impressive range of art and artefacts from various cultures and civilizations, all from his own private collection. My only impression of him was that he was one of those eccentric rich types, and it would have remained that way had I not picked up a travel memoir he had written only to read in the first page that he was a King’s College London alumnus! My interest was immediately piqued and after reading a further few pages, I decided to purchase the book from the museum shop.

I read the book within the next few days. It was an account of Gulbenkian’s travels along the coast of Transcaucasia and the Apcheron peninsula when he, a fresh engineering graduate from King’s (that’s uni pride for you there!), had been sent on a mission by his father to survey the region and its suitability for oil exploration. The book when first published had been hailed for Gulbenkian’s accurate descriptions of the geographical landscapes of the region, his innovative proposals for ground-breaking technological methods in oil extraction and his acute observations in the social lives of the Transcaucasian people. I was hooked. Before reading the book, I had no idea that firstly, there was such a place as Transcaucasia and the Apcheron peninsula, and secondly, that the word Caucasian had its roots there (I blame this on the narrow spectrum of the Malaysian Geography and History syllabi). Gulbenkian was describing to me a world that I had never gave much thought to before and knew little of. I was fascinated.

I realised that up until that point, my interest in the world had been unfairly confined to Europe or rather, the Western world. Whilst my initial first choices of Macedonia and Romania don’t exactly fit the mold either, the point is that the region of the world that Armenia belongs to has been long overlooked and often neglected. Those places aren’t the first that come in mind when someone decides to take a gap year or go on a volunteering trip abroad. I am not criticizing people for going to typical places to volunteer – indeed those regions such as Africa and Latin America are very much in need and of course the more good work done by volunteers there the better – I am merely stating that I came to my own personal revelation that I shouldn’t confine myself to certain geographical locations. Armenia, just like any other country, has its own needs and its own hidden charms.

Armenia is a country that is still struggling to build itself up since it gained its independence from the former Soviet Union. Its relationship with its neighbours (namely Turkey and Azerbaijan) can probably be best described as tenuous. Housing is a huge problem there, especially after the Spitak earthquake in 1988 that left many people homeless in the northern region. 23 years later and still, five percent of its population lives in temporary shelters.

My 10-day trip to Armenia may be brief, but it is my hope that in that short time our team will be able to make a difference.

That, in a nutshell, is why I chose to go to Armenia.

Coming soon: Why this trip at all

Papercuts

2011-06-01T01:31:00.002+01:00

Hep B jab tomorrow. Fun times.

I saw this print in the Victoria & Albert Museum's Reading Rooms last Saturday and absolutely fell in love with it. Today I saw a similar design and found out the name of the person who had designed both of it. After doing a quick Google search (gotta' love Google!) I realised I was already acquainted with some of the designer's work, having read two books (which I really liked too by the way) the covers of which had been designed by him.

Check out his work, Rob Ryan, paper cutter and designer, on the following websites:

http://www.misterrob.co.uk

http://rob-ryan.blogspot.com/

He has written and designed a book entitled 'This Is For You' which is oh-so-pretty.

Timothy was not timid

2011-05-29T23:47:00.003+01:00

'For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline' 2 Timothy 1:7

This was the verse we were teaching the kids at KidsZone today, and cannily enough was alluded to later in the day when a church leader was praying for me. I shall not be timid as I embark on my summer trips, but will be bold and filled with God's power and love (and self-discipline too to build the houses!)

It was very encouraging today to be prayed for in preparation for my trips. I told a friend last week that I needed to start preparing myself physically, mentally and spiritually and here we are today, so many sisters-in-Christ willing to pray for me. Once again I am infinitely thankful for my church here in London and am incredibly blessed with the amazing people I've met.

Last Friday I made an appointment with a travel nurse to consult her on what vaccinations I would need for Armenia. She gave me two vaccinations to be on the safe side because I could not remember if I had ever had them (though I'm sure I might have had some before) - one for Hep A and the other for diphteria, tetanus & polio.

Come Wednesday I will be getting my first vaccination for Hep B, followed by another on the 13th and the last one on the 22nd. Ideally the second & third vaccines should be seven & 21 days respectively after the first jab, but I had to fit it around my schedule since my parents are coming here tomorrow.

Well, that's it for now, more tomorrow!

Do not be afraid

2011-05-26T01:46:00.002+01:00

It is the hugest irony in a Student's Life that one gets more done during the exam period than after.

Whilst revising for exam, every second is precious time you can spend going over a topic all over again, so whenever you have to do something else, you make sure you get it done in as little time as possible in order to resume studying. In contrast, AFTER exams, you suddenly have so much free time to just do anything you want, resulting in tasks taking double the time they need.

Or maybe it's just an irony that Student Procrastinators like me face.

Anyways, if I don't post up anything substantial by the weekend, please hunt me down and slap my wrists to give them a wake up call. I'd been promising longer posts after the exam so I must make sure I do that!

The general overview of the project as of now is that I have paid everything needed for the trip (big thanks to you guys!!) and sent in my short bio and photo to my team leader. I still have a lot of things to prepare for the build, like visiting the travel nurse (I set up an appointment today, for next week, but I'm going to try and get an earlier appointment), figure out what I need to pack and wear during the trip, etc.

Today whilst doing devotion, I came across this verse:

'Be strong and courageous. ... The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.'

Deuteronomy 31:7-8

Seems to speak right to me at this moment.

Friday

2011-05-17T22:39:00.002+01:00

So I know I said I'd write another entry & also send round the thank you emails I still owe people but for some reason my weekend flew past me and now my last exam is on Thursday and I am not ready.

Not. Ready. At. All.

The £250 sponsorship money from the law firm came in today, so I'm pretty much all settled!

That's all, I really need to get back to studying because like I said, I'm not ready at all. Prayer would be much appreciated. :)

*Title of today's blog post refers to Glee's version of Friday which speaks volumes for me right now because that would signify the end of exams for me. Everybody's looking forward to the weekend.

Art in Photography

2011-05-14T17:51:00.004+01:00

I wish I could take beautifully evocative photographs and create photo montages like that.

Click here to view the other 35 photos in the collection.

Post, post, post!

2011-05-13T22:36:00.006+01:00

So guess what came in the post today? :)

Hmm, priority mail...?

Well, only one way to find out what's inside!

It's my Habitat for Humanity info pack!

I now have my very own HFH T-shirt to wear for the build, and an orientation handbook to help me prepare for the trip.

Making a world of difference. :)

The package arrived in the afternoon just before my exam & I made myself wait till after my exam to open it. Perfect thing to look forward to!

I have amazing friends, really. Two close friends donated the outstanding amount for my trip. So I am now fully funded!

Thank you so much everyone who contributed, both in kind & in spirit. Like I said, my fundraising targets may have been met, but this is just the beginning of what I know is going to be an awesome journey, & it's all thanks to YOU GUYS. :)

I've submitted my invoice & form to the law firm so they should be processing payment soon.

On other things, I've just completed three exams in four days. One more to go in 6 days' time, and then I'll be DONE! Since it's the weekend I'll try to write a bit more on the trip. I know I keep saying that but really, I keep having fragments of things I want to say but it'll have to wait for a proper post.

But for now, just know that I'm infinitely thankful.

Fundraising target: $1250

Fundraised so far: $850

Pledged: $400

Thank you KR & MY for topping up that final amount! <3

P.S.: To those whom I still owe thank you emails, I will send them round this weekend! :)

Providence

2011-05-11T23:30:00.001+01:00

I've always heard stories of how God always provides at the right moment. Stories where someone in financial need who has been praying about it suddenly finds himself with the amount needed, either by a sudden donation or something completely 'random' like that. In fact, just last Sunday, I was in church reading a letter from one of our church's mission partners, telling how her old laptop died & she had to get a new one because her work required it & long story short, a sum of money came in through donation which was the exact price of the laptop she had just bought.

It's the kind of thing you think only happens to other people. Someone else's story, someone else's miracle, yeah it's pretty amazing, sure it'd be cool if it happened to me, but it's unlikely, isn't it?

Apparently not so unlikely after all.

So the initial deadline where the sum for my trip had to be paid was today. As of Monday 9th May, I still needed $478, and whilst I had faith that the money will eventually come in, I was starting to consider Plan Bs or Cs. My team leader had emailed to ask if I required an extension for my deadline, & as I pondered that, I started thinking of fundraising efforts I could possibly do after my exams etc. Maybe a mini-clothes auction, maybe a bake sale, maybe a dinner party...

I didn't reply her then, partly because I was loathe to ask for an extension until I really had no choice, partly because I had to think it over longer, partly because I didn't want to think about that until after my Tax & Trusts exams. So I pushed it aside. Meanwhile, some of my friends still continued to donate bit by bit.

Then yesterday, whilst I was revising, I suddenly got a phone call. It was from a law firm which had this competition I had entered a few weeks back where you had to convince them in 250 words why they should award you a monetary prize. I'd submitted my entry on the very last day of the competition and, having not heard from them in awhile, had pushed it to the back of my mind, thinking I did not get it.

The lady on the phone told me that I had been picked as one of the winners. And they would contribute a sum of up to £250 towards my Armenia trip. That's more or less $400. Just like that, I was now only $50 away from my overall target.

HOW AMAZING IS THAT!?!?!?

I just couldn't believe it. This really is entirely God's providence - what else can it be? It's more than a mere coincidence, things like that just don't go around happening 'coincidentally'. It's so amazing, and the timing so perfect.

The money hasn't come in yet of course, I still need to sort out some administrative matters. The law firm have also said they will send me an email with more information soon, so once I receive that I'll share more on the firm & how the competition is supposed to work.

But for now,

Fundraising target: $1250

Fundraised so far: $807

Pledged: $400

Still to meet: $43

You can still donate to help me meet that small target left despite the initial deadline today, methinks! This is not the end of my fundraising journey, but merely the beginning! So do keep checking for more topical stuff once I'm done with this thing called exams (halfway through now, go everyone!)

Thank you JM, YL & L for contributing! :)

P.S.: Apologies for my scattered-thought post. This was written very late into the night when I was extremely exhausted after a long day of exams & was in dire need of sleep.

When Everything Needs to Happen at the Same Time

2011-05-09T09:02:00.004+01:00

2 more days to deadline, and the count stands at:

Fundraising target: $1250

Fundraised so far: $772

Still to meet: $478

It's a good thing I decided to check my spam mail folder, because one of the donation email notifications went straight to spam. -_- Sometimes you wonder how Gmail distinguishes between spam & non-spam, especially since I'd been receiving all the other notifications which are basically the exact same email from the exact same address. It's not the first time something important has gone in there, which is why I thought of checking. The last time was a vacation scheme offer from a law firm, and I didn't even realise until the recruitment lady called me up to check.

We received more information about the trip from our team leader over the weekend. There are 10 of us, most from the States, 2 of us from London, one from Switzerland, one from Germany, & our team leader who is herself from Slovakia. I think the other person from London is from Malaysia or Singapore. Her name sounds like it. I probably should email her, especially since we'll be taking the same flights and will have to transit in Vienna for 5 hours.

As for exams, mine start tomorrow. So it's:

10th May - Tax

11th May - Trusts

13th May - Public International Law

19th May - Property

I still need to sort out certain things - my team leader is waiting on me to send a short biography and photo but right now all I really want to do is practice Tax exam papers & Trusts case notes. This is what happens when everything happens at the same time. If you're praying for me, please pray for wisdom to get everything done when they need to be? Thank youuuu.

Things That Need to be Done:

Tax practice papers
Trusts practice papers
Memorise Trusts notes & case notes
Figure out how to raise $478 more
Send information to team leader for trip

You shall hear from me again on Wednesday. :)

Thank you AJ & JL for donating! :)

Much

2011-05-07T10:14:00.002+01:00

From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

Something I am well aware of, and am ready to fulfill.

Taken from Luke, Chapter 12, verse 48.

Peaks and Troughs

2011-05-07T00:32:00.003+01:00

So it seems as if the fundraising comes in surges. Monday was an amazing kick-off, Tuesday & Wednesday relatively slow, then yesterday was another surge, and today it's back down to low activity.

Forgive me if I'm not really making sense, my head is stuck in a whirl of capital gains tax and trusts and settlements right now. And for some reason I'm making references to physics.

I am still very grateful over all the donations people have made, though I think revision has taken over all the space in my head such that there's no room for me to think of anything else.

Which, to a certain extent, I'm thankful for. I took a break from revision yesterday to attend the funeral of a friend. I wanted to write about it but found that I hadn't been able to reflect properly on it. Call it denial if you want, but having to revise has allowed me to push that part to the corner of my mind, temporarily suppressed until I am free to let my thoughts wander. Because if I were to be frank, I don't want to have to deal with that right now. I don't want to have to think about what his passing means to all of us and how that is supposed to change our lives. I want to, but not right now.

I just reread that and realised I'm making it sound as if I'm more affected than I actually am. I've almost disallowed myself from being too affected, simply because I don't feel as if I have the right to. I was his friend, but I didn't know him that well - and when I compare myself to all his other grieving relatives and closest friends, I almost feel like a fraud.

But like I said, that will be something I will deal with another time. For now, it's a 3 day countdown to exams, 5 day countdown to fundraising target, and a lesson to learn on leaning on God.

Fundraising target: $1250

Fundraised so far: $742

Still to meet: $508

Thank you to SAH, HT, JG & FLH for donating! :)

& yes, we have surpassed the halfway mark. :)

Amazing Grace

2011-05-05T00:51:00.002+01:00

I was doing my reading from the HTB Bible in One Year devotions today and came across this that I felt just had to be shared. (I'm actually a month behind on the readings so this comes from the reading for 3rd April).

When Nelson Mandela left prison after twenty-seven years and became South Africa’s first black president, he called upon his old friend, Desmond Tutu, to chair The Truth and Reconciliation Commission. This commission was a series of hearings – some of them public – in which both victims and perpetrators gave testimony about their experiences and actions during apartheid.

At one of the hearings, a policeman called van de Broek told of how he and his fellow officers shot an eighteen-year-old youth, then burnt the body. Eight years later they went back, took the father and forced his wife to watch as he was incinerated. She was in court to hear this confession and was asked by the judge what she wanted. She said she wanted van de Broek to go to the place where they had buried her husband’s body and gather up the dust so that she could give him a decent burial. Van de Broek agreed.

She then added a further request. ‘Mr van de Broek took all my family away from me, and I still have a lot of love to give. Twice a month I would like for him to come to the ghetto and spend a day with me so that I can be a mother to him. And I would like Mr van de Broek to know that he is forgiven by God, and that I forgive him too. I would like to embrace him so he can know that my forgiveness is real.’ Spontaneously, some in the courtroom began singing ‘Amazing Grace’ as the elderly woman made her way to the witness stand. But van de Broek did not hear the hymn, he had fainted, overwhelmed.’

How amazing is that? How easy it is to hold everyday-little grudges or get annoyed by the slightest things that people do and here, this woman forgives this man for such a huge thing he did to her. Perhaps we all need to start practicing a little bit more grace in our lives.

On another note, I also stumbled across this article from Boundless. Probably in line with the Royal Wedding, so many marriage/wedding-related things have been popping up lately. It's a good read though, very insightful.

& now, updates on the fundraising!

Fundraising target: $1250

Fundraised so far: $542

Still to meet: $708

Nearly half way there, and slowly but surely reaching the target! :)

Thank you to LWY & HYL for donating, & others who have pledged.

I'm sorry I haven't been posting other things on the trip, I am quite caught up with revision. 5 more days now, and I really need to spend these last 5 days doing that final run. Will be missing in action for a bit, hope you guys understand!

How to Donate?

2011-05-03T14:40:00.003+01:00

So I've just finished sending out thank you emails to all those who contributed and thought I'd pop in a quick update to show you a screenshot of my personalised Habitat for Humanity page! From there, you can find out more about my particular trip, how to donate, and the amazing work that HFH International does all around the world.

Who knows, maybe you might be interested in one of their Global Village trips too.. ;)

Click here for the actual page

How to donate?

1. Click on the link above

2. Click on 'donate online' on the right column of the page.

3. Fill in your debit/credit card details.

4. The page will automatically have information on my 'Trip Code' & 'Participant Number' so donations will automatically be channeled to my fund.

& that's it! Simple and straightforward.

When time permits, I shall be updating more on:

Why Armenia
My motivations behind this trip

Amongst others. Just to give you a heads up on what else to expect from this blog and to pique your curiousity enough to keep checking back for updates. :)

Right, now it's back to Resulting Trusts & Constructive Trusts!

Overwhelmed by Generousity

2011-05-03T02:17:00.006+01:00

I am completely and utterly overwhelmed by everyone's generousity.

Only 24 hours since I sent out the first round of emails, and already my friends have contributed $492 to my appeal. When I tallied the sum, I was astounded, to say the least. Never had I expected to receive so much in so short a time. I have done nothing to deserve this, and I think I can truly say that God had His hand in this the entire time.

Many of you wrote to 'apologise' for the small sum given, but like the little droplets of water that make the ocean, like the small pieces of jigsaw that form a picture - so Jesus uses the little we can give and multiplies that. Again we look at the miracle of Jesus feeding the 5000 and how He used what little food the disciples had and multiplied that to feed 5000 people - with leftovers too! - for this is such a perfect demonstration of it.

It amazes me how so many of you selflessly, generously gave immediately with such conviction. No long deliberation or flicker of indecision but an instant sense of knowing what you wanted to do and doing it - something that I confess I will have to learn, or I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in right now!

That said though, if I weren't in this situation (ie I made a decision long ago and started fundraising activities ages ago), I would never have known such blessings. For that's what it is, essentially. How people I only met this year were so willing to give; how someone I haven't spoken to in eons due to our geographical locations was still eager to support me; how those whom I knew I could always count on were ready to help; how church friends, both old and new, were prepared to pray - I have been so blessed, not only by what you chose to pledge or give today, but by the mere fact that I have had a chance to share part of Life's journey with you.

I would love to write more, but it is now 3am and I have a Tax Law revision seminar early tomorrow morning so unfortunately I will have to go to sleep soon. On a completely random note, receiving all the email updates on the donations that were coming in gave me more motivation to study, for some reason! I think it was the sense of knowing how blessed I was that did it. :)

So thank you everyone! I'm looking forward to see what Day 2 will bring. :)

Fundraising target: $1250

Fundraised so far: $492

Still to meet: $758

Thank you to WYB, CWS, KT, IH, AL, MK, GT, NL, LPW & PB for donating! (You know who you are.)

Fundraising Appeal Letter

2011-05-02T11:02:00.005+01:00

Extracted and adapted from the fundraising appeal letter I sent out:

What is it really about?

Habitat for Humanity is an established charity that has been helping people in need build homes for many years now, and particularly in Armenia for 10 years. These families are presently living in substandard and often unhealthy conditions, and they really need a simple, decent place to live. They earn an income, but not enough to qualify for a conventional bank loan.

As part of the partnership agreement, each family—with the help of volunteers like my team—spends hundreds of hours building their home through what is referred to as “sweat equity.”

Once the house is ready, they move in and begin paying for it through a no-interest loan from Habitat for Humanity. These mortgage payments are then used to help finance houses for other families. Having families contribute to the building of their homes and those of their neighbors, and then pay for them with reasonable terms, instills self-esteem and the pride of homeownership. Habitat for Humanity refers to this as a “hand up, not a handout.”

Why am I going?

In our busy city lives, it is so easy to overlook the less fortunate. In London especially, it shocks me sometimes to see so many homeless people on the streets. I may buy a sandwich for one every once in awhile, but it always feels as if I’m not doing enough.

I was drawn to HFH because I was attracted to the idea of being able to make a real difference in the lives of these people in such a short time. I am convinced that until I go and experience for myself the hardships faced by these people, I will never be able to fully comprehend the plight of the homeless.

Why is it a Women’s Build?

The region we are building in, the Tavush region, has a high incidence of female-headed households due to its past cross border conflicts with Azerbaijan. During the build, we will be building alongside local women. The culture in Armenia is such that the local women tend to be more reserved around men. Thus, in order to facilitate a better environment for us to reach out to these women whilst helping them, participants of this particular build will consist only of women.

Why so last minute?

I just only paid the deposit yesterday. The trip is in two months. Full payment is due in 10 days. So why the last minute decision?

Well, I’ve always been one for spontaneous insanity... Jokes aside, the truth is that I was scared, and I still am. Who wouldn’t be? This is my very first time going out to a strange land to do something I’ve never done before in a culture completely different from what I’m used to. As I came to realise soon enough, ‘thinking’ of going on volunteer trips like that and the reality of actually taking the steps to carry it out are two very different things. I told myself that I had to think and pray about it, but deep down subconsciously I was merely trying to put off taking that scary step for as long as I could.

What’s my situation?

Because this trip is so, well, last minute, and my final exams (I am still a second year law student after all) are in 9 days, I will not have time to conduct any fundraising activities (which is a shame because it’d have been an excuse to bake). Thus, my finances are a bit tight and I will need help in order to make this trip possible.

To give you an overview of the trip cost,

Deposit $350 (roughly £200)

Flights £420

Outstanding cost $1250 (roughly £750)

The overall trip costs include food & lodging as well as a minimum donation to HFH to contribute towards their building work.

How can you help?

I am essentially appealing to you to help me raise funds towards the outstanding cost of my HFH trip, which is around £750/$1250. Like I said, I have already paid the deposit, and I will be paying for my own flights. The outstanding cost, according to their official policy, should be due on 11^th May. However, my team leader has been very understanding and has said that as long as I am able to pay most of it by then, I can pay for the rest after 11^th May.

Help me to make a positive, practical difference in the lives of these people. Every little bit that you can afford to give will help - as the saying goes, ‘a little goes a long way’. Take it as an early 21^st birthday present to me, if you will (I turn 21 in August. Yes I know this is a very shameless way of asking for ‘presents’ but I’d rather receive this as a present, to be honest).

To donate, please visit my personal HFH webpage - click here

On the webpage you will find links that provide more information on Habitat for Humanity International, other Global Village trips and of course, my own trip. There is also a link on the page for you to donate online.

If you want to ask me more about my trip or anything else, do drop me an email! I can be reached at zhen[dot]l[dot]lim[@]gmail[dot]com

Thank you for helping me build homes and hope in Armenia,

Zhen

Building homes in Armenia

2011-05-02T10:18:00.011+01:00

I have decided to revive my long-dormant blog in order to bring you breaking news.

Ok fine it's not breaking news. But here it is.

At the end of this June, I will be going on a trip to Armenia to build homes for the homeless with Habitat For Humanity. I will be working with a team of 10 women from all around the world, doing a mixture of concrete work, plastering walls, sanding windows, painting etc.

Long story short, I sent out a fundraising appeal email yesterday to friends from my church both back in Malaysia and here in London. It took me the entire night to compose the email and to slowly browse through all my contacts to put in all the email addresses so by the time I was done, I was quite tired and sleepy. After a quick prayer that went something like this:

'Well Lord, I've submitted my fundraising appeal. Go ahead and take me on this journey'

I went to sleep, full of hope and expectancy to hear back from at least a few people by the time I woke up.

God didn't disappoint.

I woke up this morning to several emails in my inbox. It was amazing - in the mere space of eight hours, I'd already received two donations and emails of encouragement. One friend from Australia had took the trouble to type out all the encouraging verses and extracts she had come across in her own journey of answering God's calling. As I read it, I realised then that this was the right step for me. All my fears and indecision, all the time it took for me to finally muster up the courage to just apply and go - now that the gears are fully in place and moving, I can already sense God working.

I am still scared. But 'the Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what men shall do unto me' (Hebrews 13:6).

I have decided to revive my blog, then, to update all my friends and family who have supported me - whether financially, spiritually or just by encouragement - on this two-month long journey as I seek to build homes in Armenia. I will be updating whenever I can on my fundraising appeal, lessons I learn along the way, preparations, and ultimately, the trip itself.

Can you smell the excitement in the air?

Fundraising target: $1250

Fundraised so far: $110

Still to meet: $1140

Thank you SL & PL for donating, and thank you GB for your lovely long email!

2011-04-13T03:01:00.002+01:00

I sometimes wonder why I slowly abandoned this place.

Was it because I didn't find the charm in blogging anymore? Was it a growing apprehension for such a public sphere for my private thoughts? Was it because I was simply uninspired to say anything of worth to be posted here?

I stumbled upon someone's tumbler today, and as I read it, I envied her articulation of thoughts, the poetry of her words, and the beauty of her photography. She seemed to draw inspiration from everywhere, from the mundane to the extraordinary. A thought crept into my head - maybe I have become too busy living life to reflect upon it. I don't write as much as I used to, which certainly wasn't as much as I intended to even to begin with.

Maybe having the obligation to keep this blog going would have forced me to write more. I don't know.

I don't know.

Goodbye, 2010

2011-01-05T03:25:00.001Z

Hello, 2010. So you proved me wrong after all.

I told you at the beginning of the year that you’d pass by in a flash, and surprisingly, you didn’t. 2010 felt like a long year, and I’ll be honest with you, you caught me unawares.

You were a strange year for me. 20 years from now, if someone were to ask me to describe my 2010 in one word, I’d be at a loss. The words ‘In Transit’ come to mind, but that is reflective only of my Summer 2010 – the rest of my 2010 wasn’t spent like that. Perhaps the Year of ‘Growth’ would be most apt, but that still doesn’t quite capture the essence of my 2010.

I suppose growth and maturity was inevitable, as it nearly always is when one spends such a long period of time away from home and all that is familiar.

To put things into perspective, out of your 12 months/52 weeks, I spent

9 months based in London,

2 months and a week back in KL,

and 8 weeks satiating my wanderlust in Edinburgh, Amsterdam, Brussels, Luxembourg, Salzburg, Vienna, Paris, Melbourne, Sydney…

I saw my parents for a total of 14 weeks,

My brother for 6 weeks,

And the rest of the 32 weeks far away from family

I suppose I should have seen it coming, the hard lessons that are to come with living away by yourself when you are at the brink of adulthood.

You saw me through my first real involvement in the Drama that is Life. If I may beg your leave to boast, I think it was quite an achievement for me to have avoided being personally involved in any Drama till now, considering I spent my teenage years in an all-girls school where such things are rife. Even when I was in college, the Drama there was one where I was merely an outside observer, choosing to dip my feet in because I felt I had to, not thrown into it unawares like I was this year.

You also saw me face up to my emotions for the first time ever. For as long as I can remember, I have always preferred the non-confrontational method of bottling up my feelings and uncorking it in the safety of my diary. Why say words that may hurt people, cause distress or – God forbid – spark Drama? Whenever it came to things that really mattered, I always played it safe, choosing to suffer in silence. But this year, you forced me to face them head on instead of hiding behind my façade. It wasn’t pretty or pleasant, but it was time for me to stop trying to disengage myself, and you knew it.

You showed me that as we grow older, the time we have with people grows shorter. I laugh when I think back to that note I wrote to you six days after you came into existence. ‘I've learnt to let go,’ I had said. Many people come in and out of our lives, and although our lives may be separate now, it was enough that I had ‘shared a small part of my journey with that person’.

As if to point out my folly at being so self-assuming, you dealt me a harsh reality check. I had six years in primary school, followed by five in high school; close to five years in FBC (now PBC) and 18 months in college. And now? Barely six months and we at IH had to say goodbye to Sabina – another three months later and it was goodbye to Anna, Charlie, Elfi, Jeff and Roanne too. Three years at university, I thought. But come second year and with everyone scattered all around London and swamped to our necks in assignments and work, people whom you used to see every single day for nine months, who had played such important roles in shaping your first year away from home, become people you only see once in awhile.

I wasn’t prepared for that. I definitely wasn’t. I was prepared to say goodbye to my London friends at the end of my studies, but not only after a year.

This, coupled with the way you chose to take your bow, led me to realize what so many others have reinstated again and again but which always falls on cliché-deaf ears – I must seize every moment I have with people, because I never know when it might be the last I have. As people enter and exit your lives at such greater turnover rates, do we just brush them off as temporary passers-by, or do we welcome them and let them in, despite knowing they won’t be in your lives for long? I, for one, choose to embrace the latter, because what kind of existence would it be to flit from one acquaintance to another?

You were a tough year for me, 2010. You were awesome, yes, but there were the rough bits too. But there you have it – life is full of the bittersweet, and it’s time I had a proper taste of that.

Goodbye, 2010. I shan’t miss you – you taught me not to miss the past, but instead to look to the future and seize every waking moment I have. So this time round, as your sibling 2011 takes over, I won’t have any expectations on what 2011’ll be like, because you single-handedly showed me that there’s so much more to Life that I still need to learn.

Hello, 2011. Go ahead and surprise me.

____________________________________________________________________

Dedicated to all those who played important roles in my 2010.

It may not be obvious from the note, but I genuinely am thankful for each and everyone of you. You guys were instrumental in helping me grow and mature in this year of living away from home.

There were so many other lessons I'd learnt in 2010, but just could not fit in here - the importance of family, relationships with others, traveling the world etc. So if you're wondering what lesson you had helped me learned, it may have been one of those that I could not include above.

Happy New 2011, everyone. :)

Hello people. I'm back.

2010-07-23T11:06:00.003+01:00

Wuthering Heights is a horrible, horrible, story.

Yes I know it's been hailed as one of the literary greats of its time & that its influence transcends cultures but it doesn't change the fact that the story is downright horrible. It's hard to find anything to actually like about the story. Emily Bronte created characters who were either impossibly mean and selfish or sickeningly weak and spineless. Just when you're starting to decide that you might like that character after all, he or she goes ahead & does something that alters your predisposition entirely.

In a way, I suppose it makes her characters more realistic. After all, everyone is subject to their own flaws & faults. I'd much prefer characters whom I can picture walking down the street across the road from me than characters like Edward Cullen, who are so 'perfect' you know you'll only ever see them in virtual reality. Then again, creating your own version of Utopia is what makes escapism so attractive - which explains Stephanie Meyer's commercial success thus far.

Before I end up divulging the merits & not-so-merits of escapism, let me return from my digression.

Alright so Bronte's characters have huge flaws. & yes I understand that everyone has shortcomings, but the truth is, they don't really seem like very likable characters either.

Perhaps one of the reasons for my strong disgust at the story is partially my own to blame. I have read Jane Austen & Charlotte Bronte, & thoroughly enjoyed their novels. & since Austen & the Bronte sisters are usually associated together (being amongst the few female novelists of their time who actually achieved somewhat of a success), my brain, naturally, associated their novels to be of similar type as well. Boy was I seriously wrong.

Austen & the elder Bronte's heroines tend to defy traditional expectations of social & familial duty & end up finding romance. So when I bought the book in Stansted before boarding my plane home, I thought I was buying myself a novel that stood for those ideals of love, & how Cathy & Heathcliff's passion would win out in the end. Instead, what I got was a heavy dose of selfish love & unbridled frenzy that is so destructive it haunts those who come into any sort of contact with it.

While I can see the romanticism in that type of love (if you can call it that), I simply don't buy it. Love is supposed to make you strive towards being a better person for the other, not make you want to manipulate them into doing your own will. Love is supposed to make you give up yourself for the other, not selfishly cling on to whatever you have left, refusing to let go.

Wuthering Heights serves as a reminder that there is a very thin line between love & hate - but oh, the hatred that was unleashed!

& just when I start feeling sorry for the younger generation who were unwittingly dragged into this vengeful saga, they go ahead & do something that makes you just want to go up to them & say "You deserve it, alright!"

Yet, ironically, it is the ability of the novel to stir up such mixed emotions within myself, the reader, that makes it such a great book.

But mark my words, I won't be in a hurry to read it again in the near future. Right now, I need a good dose of normalcy to douse my moroseness.

2010-05-12T11:18:00.002+01:00

I sometimes wonder why I still keep this blog at all. Over my months in the UK, I have found a decreasing need to blog. I suppose at one point I had intended to provide a full account of my life here. But life needs to be lived, and that can only be done out in the streets and not in my room facing the computer screen the whole time. Not to say that I don't do that anyway - I spend way too much time on FB for my own good.

Recalling my first ever blog in Form 2, and my reasons for blogging then - it was a social thing. Everyone in our group of friends had xanga (thanks to Elena Teh, who is still a loyal xanga user) and we would always check each other's xanga for updates. It was our own FB, if you will, except it was more personal and it revealed more about each other.

I used to check my blog and other friend's blogs fervently for updates, not unlike how I now stalk my FB live feed page every second I can get. But I suppose as blog updates gradually became less frequent and people began to move away from the blogging scene, I, too, began to lose my passion for blogging.

Then I decided my blog was to be a platform for me to express my views. That only blog-worthy posts would go up, and not short ramblings of no significance whatsoever. Posts which I would feel proud of, and not personal whinings and complaints.

Somewhere along the lines I rediscovered the joys of journaling, and with that, my blog was pushed even further into the background. I wrote in my diary now, and no longer felt the need to write on my blog.

Fear of being a victim of internet stalking too, put caution on me in deciding whether to share every detail of my life in London.

And the result is this - a desert of a blog, with no signs of human life, barren and dusty.

I probably should start blogging again, just to keep in touch with people. But I have also come to rely more on emails to keep in touch - two-way communication instead of a one-way shout out here on my blog.

Ah. Here I go again with my incomprehensible ramblings.

My exams start tomorrow. Criminal law, then public law the very next day.

I suppose I should go back to being a regular blogger.

Maybe then all these blog vultures will leave me alone.

Thoughts, anyone?

2010-04-27T00:29:00.002+01:00

This blog has become so dead that it is now frequented by spammers trying to advertise their products.

I'm sitting here on a Monday night (Tuesday morning?) in front of my Mac, knowing that I should go to sleep but for some reason can't.

I suffered from withdrawal symptoms earlier because I didn't hang out much with my hall mates that much today.

It's funny how people can become such huge parts of your life.

Since I've been here, I see these people on such a regular basis it feels weird whenever I go one day without seeing them.

Maybe it's just hermit me craving human contact.

Or maybe it's just me realising that in about a month and a half, we're all going to pack our bags and say our goodbyes to this hall which has been our home for the past nine months. And that would mean saying goodbye to each other too.

Yeah sure we'll see each other when we come return from the summer. But not all. Some of us won't be here anymore. Some of us won't be staying together anymore. Some of us won't have classes together anymore.

I know it kinda sounds depressing, but it's more of myself trying desperately to grasp onto what little time we have left.

Sure we're all busy with revision. But I want to spend every moment I can with everyone.

Because I have come to love them, warts and all.

"God in my living

There in my breathing

God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

You are everything

Jesus everything

Jesus everything"

- Everything, Tim Hughes

London Calling

2010-02-27T00:23:00.002Z

"If you can order your Thoughts and shape them into Art, good;

if you can live in the obligations and affections of Daily Life, good.

But do not get into the habit of morbid Self-examination."

Possession, A S Byatt

Perhaps that is the reason why I have written so little here lately (well, if you count the past 6 months as 'lately').

I could never keep up a blog containing a day-by-day account of my routine in life. I'd look at my past posts and feel unsatisfied. These pieces of writing - no, not even writing, but rather, meandering fragments of thoughts just seemed too insignificant to be put out there for the world to read.

Sometimes, a sudden burst of inspiration hits and I end up with a piece of proper writing that seems worthy of a blog. Those instances are, to my regret, rare and far in-between. But when it does strike, I always end up with something which I will later read with surprise and disbelief that that thing came from me. That thing, I now know, thanks to A S Byatt, is what we call Art.

London continues to amaze and astound. It is only now, in my second term, after settling in and making good friends, that I have truly begun to explore the cultural side of London. Theatre, art, music, literature - all at my doorstep. I came here not only to obtain an academic education, but to learn from the Great Teacher of Life. I enjoy reading Law, but I also enjoy London.

Today, I saw Van Gogh, Picasso, Monet and Manet in the National Gallery. Just now I met Ian McKellen and got his autograph. Last week I watched Hairspray the Musical. Sometime ago I got books signed by A S Byatt, Hilary Mantel and Ben Okri. Since I've been here I've heard The Fray and One Republic live. This academic year I'm being taught by John Philips, Jeremy Horder, Andrea Biondi and Generva Richardson amongst many other leading law professors.

And each time, each time, I tell myself, 'This is why I came to London'.

This is why I call this home for the next few years.

Child-like Faith

2010-02-19T00:24:00.003Z

Do you remember what it felt like when you were a child?

There was no insurmountable hurdle then, no unreachable height. One would dream passionately, in full faith that someday, those dreams would be a reality. One would live boldly, dashing out into the green of the grass, unafraid of falling or slipping.

Everything came in black, white, and colours. You'd notice the slightest things that were of no interest to the grown ups. Like how the snail would peek out of its home every once in awhile. Or how the ants crawled up the wall, seemingly defying gravity.

Everything you could envision seemed possible then. You secretly knew that one day, you would soar high up in the sky and bounce on the clouds. You knew that you would be able to swim deep down in the ocean and talk with the merfolk. You knew that all you had to do was find a chance to run away to the nearest forest where the trees would whisper tales in your ears.

Nothing could stop you nor discourage you. The world and all there was in it was yours to conquer.

What happened to that child?

Inspired by the following.

Hello, 2010.

2010-01-07T22:56:00.003Z

Hello, 2010. It's been a week since you've been here, and I thought I should tell you a little bit of what to expect in your 365 - now 358 - days in the world.

See, I've been in existence since 1990. 28th August 1990, to be exact. So I've lived through exactly two decades in this world, picking up a couple of things or two. You'll have the honour of kick-starting my third decade of existence, by the way. I know, it sounds as if I'm incredibly old! By the time you are through, I'd have said goodbye to my teen years and started on that transition from teenager to official 21-year-old adult. But I digress. I'm not here to rant to you about getting older.

I wish I could tell you otherwise, but the truth is, you'll pass by in a flash. Life and all its busyness can do that to you. Before you know it, your time here will be up, and you'll have to give way to 2011. I know. I've seen the years before you whizz past me too, and believe you me, many a time have I fervently wished I could stop that from happening. Freeze time, pause the button, linger in the moment for just a little longer. But that's not how things work. There are too many wonderful things in this life to go and experience, too many mysteries to be uncovered, and I've learnt that if I make you stop for me just so I can surround myself with my comfortable circumstances and cuddle up in that little corner, I'd be missing out on so, so much.

Your siblings before you taught me to let things go. See, I've been incredibly blessed throughout my 20 years. I've met so many amazing people whose presence in my life enriched it so. I've had the privilege of sharing dreams with them, of weathering storms with them, of embracing chance with them. All it takes for a person to change your life is one encounter - a conversation, a kind act, a joke shared - and forever, there is that mark in your heart which will always remind you of them.

Thing is, part of what makes this world so interesting and colourful is the fact that no two paths are ever the same. One's life journey may be very similar to another, but there will always, always, come a point where the two paths will have to diverge. And then we say our goodbyes.

I've walked, ran, crawled, down my path with many different characters. I've turned this corner with my brother, speeded down this stretch with my high school friends, wondered in this maze with my college classmates, stood on this hill with my sisters-in-Christ - every step taken with God to guide me, sometimes with others, sometimes without. And each of those steps were significant in moulding me into who I am today.

I'll be honest with you, I often wonder what happened to all those faces that played a part in my life journey. I wished that our paths had remained the same, or at least close to each other, so that I can still see them regularly. It hurts sometimes to see people you used to know so well leading lives so separate from yours now - a life in which you play no part of. I know it sounds extremely selfish and jealous of me, but that's the truth.

And what hurts even more is the knowing that part of the reason why we've turn into virtual strangers is my own fault. You see, I've always been terrible in keeping-in-touch. I've always allowed myself to get whisked away with whatever is ahead of me, fixing my eyes on the road I still have to finish. I stop and look back at the parts where my path diverged from theirs, but I hardly ever attempt to reach out to them. I cannot run back up the path and try to follow them - that's not how the world works here. I can only try to steer myself towards their direction.

So like I told you earlier, I've learnt to let go. I've learnt to accept that even if I do bump into one of them again somewhere down the road, the person before me would have an entirely different path behind him. And that would be fine. Because no matter how different things may have become, I have shared a small part of my journey with that person, and that is more than I could ask for.

Have fun, 2010. You'll be awesome, I know it.

____________________________________________________________

Dedicated to all those people who thought they played small roles, not knowing that those small roles were significant enough

You know some people are just clueless when...

2009-11-14T18:34:00.004Z

The following conversation took place today at lunch in my hall, when I had taken my food and was at the counter showing the guy my hall card as proof of ID.

Guy at counter: Thank you. Or should I say 'arigato'?

Zhen: (amused) I'm not Japanese.

Guy at counter: Oh! Erm, Chinese?

Zhen: (even more amused) I'm Malaysian.

Guy at counter: (sounds disappointed at self for having had two guesses wrong) Ah! Hmm, I used to know how to say it, but I can't remember right now...

Zhen: It's 'terima kasih'

Guy at counter: Ah, yes! I knew it was something like that! 'Terima kasih'!

Zhen: (laughs and takes her food)

******************

Yesterday night at O'Neils, my friend and I were making our way to where the rest of our friends were seated when a drunken guy spotted me and said, "Sawadee karp!" and when I didn't respond, insisted again, "Sawadee..."

I don't mind being mistaken for a Singaporean because Malaysians and Singaporeans are so similar, but to be mistaken for a Thai or Japanese?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not particularly offended. I just find it amusing.

On several occasions, too, I have been told that I have an American accent. Once in ASDA, the lady actually thought I was American! It went like this,

Zhen: Hi, do you sell cotton wool and flip-flops here?

Lady: Oh, I think we have cotton wool, but I don't think we have flip-flops. Do you have that back in America? (She was referring to Walmart in the States, since ASDA is a chain of Walmart)

Zhen: (completely caught off-guard) Erm, no.

Oh, funnyness.... XD

Update:

Two guys at The Rocket were trying to hit on five of us girls with a super lame pick-up line. Then they got to asking us where we were from, and when it came to me, one of them said, "Where are you from, Korea?"

You know your language is in dire need of practice when...

2009-11-04T19:12:00.003Z

林微珍终于知道怎样用 MacBook 来打华文字！

当我正在打这些字，我得脑里一直必须想清楚，我是否打得对？我用到的词汇是否对？我写的句字听起来好像是对，可是读起来却如巴刹里讲的话，而不像正确的华文。

唉，我好想能如以前那样作篇！差不多几个月前，当我在搬家时，我找到我在读六年级时写的作文。当时，我还会使用成语，还会写蛮好的句字。现在，我只会写最技本的句字。如果给别人读起来的话，肯定以为我是刚刚学华文而已。给他们知道我是从六岁开时学的话，丢脸死喔！

没办法，语言就是这么样，如果不使用，不练习，就会忘掉。真可惜！

不，我一定要练我的华文，不能让我多年的学习这么样丢失！

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

Je m'apelle Zhen. J'étudie la loi à King's College Londres. J'ai dix-neuf ans. J'habite a Londres, en Angleterre. Je suis née à Kuala Lumpur, en Malaisie. Je suis malaisienne.

Mon pere travaille dans une banque et ma mere est professeur dans une lycée. J'ai un frère ainé. Il est étudiant à Melbourne. Il a vingt ans.

***********************

Saya sedar bahawa kebanyakan orang tidak akan memahami seluruh catatan saya pada hari ini. Tujuan saya menulis dalam bahasa yang berlainan bukanlah untuk menunjuk-nunjuk, tetapi untuk berlatih. Apabila kita tidak menggunakan bahasa yang kita pelajari dalam kehidupan seharian kita, lama-kelamaan, kita tentu akan melupakannya. Saya berasa sangat sayang untuk membiarkan bahasa saya hilang begitu sahaja. Kebolehan untuk bertutur dalam bahasa berlainan merupakan suatu aset yang sangat bernilai, yang tidak boleh diperoleh dengan senang.

Saya sudah belajar bahasa ini sepanjang zaman persekolahan saya. Takkan saya mahu biarkan tahun-tahun itu bazir?

*********************

If you actually read and understood all that without having to refer to any dictionary or translator, let me know.

2009-11-03T14:01:00.004Z

Head bowed & hands firmly in her coat pockets as she hurriedly makes her way down the street. Her eyes are determinedly fixed on the irregular surface of cobble-stones, watching out for any treacherous bumps that playfully threaten to make her stumble or lose her footing as she click-clacks on the pavement, adding symphony to the sound of the drizzle already forming puddles around her. Her strides bring her down the path that was already all too familiar to her. Down past the grey Victorian building looming above her, turn right at the small Italian cafe as the smells of cappucino and espresso drift out in a mixture of heady sensations, further down past the fruit stall seller and his wide array of grapes, bananas, peaches, oranges, and then past the quaint little park in the middle of the square. Not that she saw this now - her eyes are still fixed on the floor, no one hardly looks up in rainy weather - but she could remember each scene and all its detail as if she was just only walking past them, having had these sights and sounds imprinted in her mind after so long.

Walk, walk, walk, it is still drizzling. People are walking past her in the same manner - heads bowed, hands in pockets. Some hold black umbrellas, some wear hooded jackets. Many are like her, hair uncovered and coat tightly wrapped around themselves. The only tell-tale sign of the rain would have been their walk.

The steady rhythm of her footsteps are slowing down now. She is nearing her destination, and she can feel the drizzle beginning to lift. She makes that final turn into the lane and involuntarily glances up, and behold! A wonder, a marvel, a beauty right before her! The sun has begun to let peek its rays and as they fall onto the earth, warming it where it had just been cold misty rain before, she sees its shine on the autumn tree leaves, a glorious blend of orange, yellow, red, green and sunray.

She stops. She takes in the masterpiece of nature before her, and breaks into smile.

Ah, London.

You know everything's going to be fine when...

2009-10-23T01:16:00.007+01:00

Hello world,

I never publicly addressed readers of my blog in this way before, but there's always a first to everything.

I realised that now I'm away from so many people I love, I really should blog more often.

So here goes.

Hello world & welcome to my attempt to let you into a sneak peek of my life right now.

Without pictures, because I need to edit them first & my Photoshop Trial ran out before I could.

I have been in London for more than a month now, & this is how a typical day of my life here constitutes.

I wake up to the sound of my handphone alarm playing the beginning of Nicest Kids In Town by Hairspray. I snooze it at least once on a good day, three times when I'm tired, then get up to do the whole morning routine.

Breakfast is a quiet affair at the canteen of International Hall - everyone still groggy with their eyelids half-closed. We have a huge bunch of King's Law students dominating the tables at the same time, all having to rush off to lectures immediately after.

Some take the bus, I choose to walk along with a few others. We walk for about 30-40 minutes, depending on

1. How crowded the streets are

2. How distracted we are by our conversations

3. How strong the wind is blowing

Our walk takes us down one of London's busiest commercial areas where we clearly see modern buildings juxtaposed with older ones. We pass by, sometimes through, LSE & I have on occasion bumped into a few LSE friends on my walk. Then we make the crucial last 10 minutes crossing of the Waterloo Bridge, where you either feel extremely cold or extremely hot, depending on London's erratic weather.

Entering King's College London's Waterloo campus, we head for the largest lecture theatre, also the reason why we first year law students were moved from Strand to Waterloo - because it was the only lecture theatre that could fit all 397 of us. I usually sit with my hall mates somewhere on the right, quite near the front. Then I bring out my things in preparation to take notes for the lecture.

Everyday, I only have either one or two hours of lecture which is usually in the morning. I then head back to the hall to have lunch & to prepare for my seminar. All my seminars are held late in the afternoon save one, which is fine by me because it gives me time to do the last-minute work I unfortunately have grown so accustomed to.

I don't get more than an hour of seminars a day. After, I walk back to the hall for dinner and at night, my activities vary according to the societies I've joined & what my hall mates decide to do.

Sounds boring? Trust me, it's so much more than that.

I cherish my solitary walks around London. Before you start worrying of this seemingly-hermit-habit, let me assure you that it's nothing like that. Everyday when I cross the Waterloo Bridge, I get the best view of London. On one side, I can clearly see the London Eye, Big Ben, & House of Parliament. On the other side, I see St. Paul's Cathedral, the huge rocket-shaped building which I still don't know its name, and the many wharfs dotting the Thames.

The view is beautiful, regardless of weather. Some might say that the best time to see the view would be when the sun is shining brightly in the sky (at which Jamie Cullum's London Skies will always start playing in my head - will you let me romanticize/the beauty of the London skies), but I beg to differ. Sun, cloud, rain, evening - and the view is still breath-taking. It seems as if every time I cross the bridge, London would have a different variation of the scene to show me.

I have caught a scene where the entire Northern part of the city was shrouded in clouds but as I headed South on the bridge, I could see a glimpse of where the clouds ended further down & oh, it looked so beautiful, the way the grey of the clouds gave way to clear blue sky. On another occasion, I caught a horizontal rainbow that was just above the horizon - & when I mean horizontal, I mean perfectly parallel to the horizon - in the evening, such a rare sight it was as indeed it was my first time seeing a rainbow like that! & when I walk back from my seminar that ends at 7pm, I get to see London city lights & how they reflect off the Thames - beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

Adjusting to Law took awhile, but I really do enjoy it. I have just handed in my very first law essay - on Contract, a scenario given - and though I doubt it's of any standard, it being very unexperiencedly written and all, I can't help feeling a sense of satisfaction at having completed my first assignment.

I have two more essays lined up for next week but I feel as if I should blog so here I am.

First year law students at King's take four compulsory modules - Contract, Criminal, Public & European Union. Might not seem like a lot but considering how much we have to read for each module, the pile builds up if you leave it for later.

London has been growing on me. & no, I wouldn't change it for a single thing.

You know this is for real when...

2009-10-04T23:55:00.002+01:00

Currently reading: The Time-Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffeneger

Currently listening to: Hillsong United

So I've been in London for three weeks now, & every time I've tried to blog I end up staring at the blank screen in front of me.

I supposed I've put this off for so long because

a) I am reluctant to have to say my goodbyes on the blog

b) I wanted my first London post to be full of pictures & well, a good, long blog post

c) I wanted to write something deep, meaningful & poetic about leaving & new beginnings

But as things would have it, here I am blogging my first post, & I'm pretty sure it won't be one of those three things I've listed above.

My first few days in London were like a charm - the rushing exhilaration at being where my childhood used to dream of, the growing realization that I'm not here just for a holiday, but to actually live here for the next three years. I fell in love with London & nothing could dampen my spirits, not even the heavy rain I was caught in twice on my first day. London gave me a very cold welcome (literally!) but strange as it may sound, I still loved it.

My childish heart leapt whenever I did anything a typical Londoner would do - having my first sandwich while sipping hot chocolate, reading a good book while taking the tube, head down & hands in my pocket as I stride hurriedly in the rain. I would look at the buildings in wonder as I soaked in the sights & sounds that accompanied my walks around London - the best way to explore London, I still profess.

I shall be completely honest by admitting that I was kept so busy on my first four days here that I barely had time to miss anything or anyone. Everyday it was wake up early, rush to King's, & only returning late at night to sleep straightaway.

Then the weekend came & I met up with some friends from back home. I felt so comfortable being with them that it was almost like a typical day back in Malaysia.

My second week in London kicked off with family. My parents had arrived by then & my cousin from Reading came down to visit before he & his wife went back home to Malaysia. So again, no opportunity for homesickness. We did all the typical stuff we would do whenever we went on family holidays.

Then Elena came down to visit & of course I was so glad to see that girl after an entire year. We spent two whole days doing random stuff but it was the company I was glad of so it didn't matter what we did (though we did eat alot!)

Meanwhile, I was meeting a lot of people at my hall who were really friendly, so that helped cushion the inevitable wave of homesickness. Which came on the third week.

My third week - the start of lectures, & I was not prepared to feel so lost amongst the sea of 397 people in our lecture hall. There were so many people! & that's the only way I can describe it, really - there were so many people! I started missing PM4 tremendously - how we were always so relaxed around one another, one huge class (alright, small when compared to these 397 people, but it was huge then!) that would always make each other laugh. I missed how we didn't care what people would think of us - just let loose & laugh.

& then my parents came back from France to see me before going back home. & I fell sick. & the reality that they were going back to Malaysia which was 13 hours away by plane & had a 7-hour time difference finally hit me.

My first three weeks were a mere honeymoon. The initial high of an infatuation. Where I knew my parents would still be around. Where it still felt like I was just on another holiday somewhere, even though I knew that I would be here to study.

For some reason, I suddenly wish that I could fast-forward to Christmas now. I'm not going home for Christmas, so it's not because I miss Malaysia. It's just that Relient K's Merry Christmas, Here's To Many More was playing just now, & the lyrics

"But the closest friends I've ever known

Are all inside singing together

Singing Merry Christmas, here's to many more"

painted an image in my mind's eye - that of me & my closest friends celebrating Christmas in a snug, cosy, living room with hot chocolate to keep us warm.

In retrospect, I suppose the reason why I never got round to blogging during those first three weeks was because whatever I wrote would not have been an accurate depiction of my start in London. Because really, the first three weeks don't count. There were just there to help me get adjusted & familiarized with the city before the real stuff got going. The longest I had ever been away from home by myself before this was two weeks. & now that the three-week mark has passed & my parents have left, this is when the uprooting of the former & settling in to the new begins.

Now, my London journey truly begins.

This is when I start, for real now.

This is when I learn to trust.

"... Christ in you, the hope of glory"

Colossians 1:27

You know it's not enough when...

2009-09-04T14:23:00.003+01:00

I may not have the prettiest face

But I know I was fearfully & wonderfully made

& that is enough

I may not be surrounded by people who adore me

But I am loved

& that is enough

I may not have the most happening social life

But I have a few friends whom I can trust wholeheartedly

& that is enough

I may not have a wardrobe full of pretty dresses

But in His eyes, I am always lovely

& that is enough

I may not dazzle everyone with my smile

But it can still brighten up a person's day

& that is enough

I may not be invited to all the parties

But I meet my loved ones regularly

& that is enough

I may not have natural charm

But I have a heart that knows how to care

& that is enough

But

I see hungry people on the streets

I may buy food for one

But that is not enough

I see children living in poverty

I may donate some of my allowance

But that is not enough

I see empty souls walking by me

I may reach out with a kind word

But that is not enough

I see troubled hearts sitting in my class

I may offer a helping hand

But that is not enough

I see suffering behind the glitz & glamour of the city

I may volunteer when I'm free

But that is not enough

I see injustice being served at every corner

I may write to the papers

But that is not enough

I see people silently crying out for a Saviour

I may pray

But that is not enough

No, it's not enough

You know this is an SOS when...

2009-08-12T16:00:00.002+01:00

Please, pray for my friend Azwan Arif.

I met him at the Bank Negara Pre-Departure Camp for scholars. He's a Special Scholar too, bright kid headed to UK to study Economics & Finance. I've only known him for just over a month but even that's enough for me to know that he's an extremely friendly & warm person. Really nice guy who helps whenever he can.

He got into a car accident yesterday. I won't go into details, but basically he had to undergo surgery. His condition is stable now, but he's still in the ICU.

He'd just received his A-Levels results on Monday - 4As. & he should be flying to London next month with the rest of us.

Please pray for him, that he'll recover quickly.

For his family, to stay strong.

For his friends who were also in the car, that they'll not blame themselves.

"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer."

Psalm 4:1

You know something's not right when...

2009-08-11T10:42:00.003+01:00

There we were, sitting at the table after our first dinner at BTN, laughing & joking without a care in the world. Not Kenneth though. Something seemed to occupy his mind. He fiddled with his phone, trying to send messages. Finally, he makes a phone call. When he hangs up, he looks disturbed, something we all notice without him needing to say anything. Then he told us, "My friend passed away yesterday."

His friend is Gary Leon Roberts, & if you have been following the news for the past week, you'd have heard of him.

Gary, a UNITEN student whom his friends describe as 'athletic', took part in the Adidas King Of The Road run last 2nd of August 2009. After completing the race, he collapsed at the finishing line, asking for water. That was the last anyone remembers of him.

After that incident, which was actually caught on video, no one knows what happened to him. He disappeared, & despite his friends' & family's efforts to search for him, the next news they would receive was bad news - his body was found in a tunnel the next day.

Those are the bare facts - I have kept my value judgements to the minimal. But even with these few facts, suspicions are aroused concerning Gary's untimely death.

What happened to him after he collapsed?

How did he get from the finishing line to the tunnel?

Why weren't the organizers more aware of the situation?

This was a huge public race which saw many participants & volunteers - how could they not have scanned through the whole area before calling it a day?

Could Gary have been saved had he been found earlier?

But more importantly comes the question, couldn't this have been avoided?

Read the reports for yourself. Taken from here.

"During the prize giving ceremony, the two friends asked Mr. K. Krishnan (Adidas Head of Running M’sia) if they could use the PA system to announce about Gary. Mr. K. Krishnan rejected them with the reason being that the PA system could ONLY be used for prize giving purposes. Using the PA system for personal issues was not allowed. Menteri Besar Selangor, Tan Sri Khalid Ibrahim was also in attendance for the prize giving ceremony.

A friend also asked Mr. K. Krishnan about the situation and he claimed that Gary did not finish the race as his baggage is still uncollected."

Do visit the website from which the above is extracted. It provides links to all the official news reports as well as Gary's friends reports.

I don't know him personally, but Kenneth, who knows him from CF, says that Gary was "one of the UNITEN seniors who would always bring us out for Chinese food". To die at so young an age, due to such avoidable circumstance. Tragedy indeed.

Keeping Gary & his family in prayer.

You know you kinda miss performing when...

2009-08-02T16:02:00.004+01:00

This was the production that I was involved in a few months back.

Prom The Musical, where I played a cheerleader as part of the ensemble cast.

I don't know who recorded this & posted it on YouTube, but this particular recording was on our preview night, where there were quite a few mistakes. Amongst the videos that were uploaded, I was only involved in these two. There were a lot more dances but seems like the person only recorded a select few.

All in all though, I think it was pretty good. Do watch & enjoy. :)

Hollaback Girl

Cafeteria scene where the new girl & her best friend just found out that the Queen Bee has been distributing mean flyers of the new girl in her campaign to become Prom Queen.

Look for me somewhere at the back, in white.

Finale - We Go Together/Mamma Mia

This video starts towards the end of the first song, unfortunately.

I'm somewhere wearing a sort of red dress. :)

I have six more weeks left in Malaysia & so many things to do!

You know you need to count the number of days when...

2009-07-25T15:48:00.002+01:00

Currently reading: The Law Student's Handbook by Wilson & Kenny

Currently listening to: Fearless by Taylor Swift

Two more weeks to D-Day. Seven more weeks till I leave.

I've been kept so busy during the past month that I've barely had time to sit down & ponder the implications of those statements. Perhaps it's a good thing - it prevents me from worrying about my results & also from getting too emotional about leaving.

Once our last paper was over, it was off to Redang for three days with the class, followed by preparations for our Prom performance, Prom itself, then a two-week holiday to Sarawak which had all the elements of Borneo involved - mountain, beach, river, forest & food! - after which I had a short stay at home before being whipped off again for a Pre-Departure Camp by BNM. Since then it's been teaching at Aman in the first half of the day & meeting up with friends during the second half.

Yes I do intend to blog about all these but right now there's just so many things to settle! University preparations, family & friends to spend time with... My time here is running short, & I don't want to leave the country without properly closing this chapter of my life.

When I take that flight to London on 14th September, I want to do so with no regrets. This period is my connector between college life & university life. It is, as I see it, my chance to tie up loose ends, meet the people I have neglected due to college, spend time with people whom I will most likely not be able to see for the next four years.

Through it all, I am infinitely thankful to God for these few months. Busy though I may be, I have been able to meet up with some people I haven't seen in awhile. Just the other day a few of us primary school classmates met up for 7 hours' worth of catch up session to compensate for the 7 years of minimal contact.

Before I know it, I will be embarking on another journey. This time, I want to ensure that I am physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually prepared. I need to spend more time in prayer - for the big unknown that is the next four years. My prayer life has been sorely lacking lately.

Hopefully, I will soon be able to blog properly again. I went through all my archives from my previous blogs & I realised that the long, detailed accounts I used to write have slowly but disappeared from my current blog. I don't know if that's a good thing to my readers who used to complain about the length of my posts, but I do know that it also signifies loss of precious memories which can never be recounted as fully as it would have been.

But for now, I need to pray.

You know these people mean a lot to you when...

2009-06-15T16:26:00.001+01:00

I cannot adequately sum up my emotions over the past one week, what more the past 18 months. I told myself that today, I must wake up early & write a detailed account of Redang on the class blog, & if time permits, my experience in PM4. I told myself that I will finish writing about Redang, before I head to Sarawak for 13 days & Redang becomes a secondary memory, no longer fresh in my mind. But the words fail me.

I have experienced this dilemma before, after my first PKTR. On one hand, there is such a full treasure trove of memories that must be recorded before they fall prey to the erosion of time & the fallibility of the human brain. But on the other hand is the unwillingness to do so, because the act of putting all those memories down in words would signify that yes, it has come to an end, & this is all we have left to remember it by. Which is the last thing I would ever want.

I don't feel sad. I am still unable to fully feel sad. I know I have been relatively more emo over the past week than I have ever been throughout the 18 months you guys have known me, & I apologize for leaving an emo picture of me as the last memory you would have of me in PM4, but it is not sadness I feel. Rather, it is nothingness, for lack of a better word to describe this state of limbo I am in, of wanting to linger in these moments a little while more, refusing to move on to the next stage of life.

Who am I kidding? As I write this, a few of us have already left Subang. I am loathe to go back there. What charm would the streets of SS15 hold anymore? Nothing but ghosts of a time when we used to walk from the main campus guardhouse to Madam Joyce's, laughing at whatever it was that had our attentions at that time. Faint imprints of 23 silhouettes in the classroom, poking fun at each other & exasperating our lecturers. Shadows in the corners of the rooms that used to house friendly faces, always welcoming a weary friend who just needed to rest. I envision myself back in Taylor's now, only to find buildings which represent empty husks of a life I once led. There is no more comfort or warmth in that place.

Our only hope now lies in three things: the Facebook group, the class blog, & most importantly, the Book of Travelling Secrets. I pray with all my heart that these will always keep us connected, that the Book will actually work, that we will all still play our parts as PM4ians, because I refuse to allow this to become a mere memory of my life.

I cannot adequately sum up my emotions over the past one week. But I can adequately sum up my emotions now - writing this made me cry. I still am crying. & I don't know when I will stop

You know you have tons to be thankful for when...

2009-06-07T15:48:00.008+01:00

Currently still reading: Prayer by Philip Yancey
Currently listening to: The Spirit Room by Michelle Branch

Listening to unconventional yet beautiful music played by an orchestra...

Unexpectedly bumping into a dear old friend you haven't seen in ages...

Going crazy in a park under the moonlit sky with the world's tallest twin-buildings as the backdrop...

& spending time with the people you have come to love despite their obvious insanity...

Oh yes, the night was almost perfect.

____________________________________

"That kid has a BRIGHT future..."

**********

"Eh, I dare you to carry that thing & shout 'BOMB!' "

At which two security guards start walking towards us.

**********

"Eh, tomorrow we need to go back to Singapore already!"

**********

& a bonus, one of the rare times Marcel spoke more than three words in public:

"You just embarrassed me in public!"

Looking forward to June indeed. :)

Weekly Digest

2009-06-01T13:19:00.003+01:00

These readings need to be shared.

Closer to home:

Tricia Yeoh, Research Officer to the Selangor Menteri Besar and member of the CPPS Advisory Panel (also former Amanian), was invited to speak at the Perdana Leadership Foundation 9th Discourse Series on the Separation of Powers in Malaysia.

The following is an excerpt from her speech. Do click on the link for the entire transcript. She gives a detailed analysis on the topic, aptly using the current Perak situation as an example.

“Restoring Institutional Strength and Separation of Powers”

Wednesday, 6^th May 2009, Perdana Leadership Foundation 9th Discourse Series, Putrajaya

Tricia Yeoh

"....Tunku Abdul Rahman on 16^th September 1963, the day Malaysia was formed, said, “Let us always remember that the Malayan Union was formed after many difficulties during a long period of national Emergency, yet its multi-racial society emerged, endured and survived as a successful and progressive nation, a true democracy and an example to the world of harmony and tolerance.” Malaysia’s formation was complicated by a host of factors: citizenship, cultural heritage, the Emergency, ethnicity, religion and so on. Despite this, and at the end of it all, our achievement should have been a true and healthy democracy; one where we are debating about the finer points of the rule of law and separation of powers, and not whether it exists or not. The rule of law simply means that no one is above the law. Not you. Or the police. Or the judges. Or even the Prime Minister. And in some cases even royalty. Everyone of us are supposed to be equal before the law..."

Click to read the whole article

_____________________________________

On church:

The next two articles were found on Boundless. I thought parts of it gave much-needed reminders on how a church should be & what roles we should play.

Again, these are only excerpts. The full articles should be read in order to get the whole picture.

"The body demonstrated submission to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.

This one seems obvious, but a church that is consistently seeking out the agenda of Christ above its own is rare. And this goes beyond correct theology.

"For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior," Ephesians 5:23 says. Just as the submission of a wife to her husband is difficult, the church yielding to Christ also takes daily effort. A church must constantly be checking its motives and bringing itself under Christ's authority."

Click to read whole article

This other article was written with America in mind - but I do think some of it are applicable to the rest of us as well.

"Maybe I'm just too simpleminded to grasp the full issue here, but it seems to me that the government usually steps in to help only when traditional agents — families, communities and churches — fail to do their part. Feeding the hungry, helping the poor, healing the sick, housing the homeless, comforting those who hurt — these are the privileges and duties of our faith. At least Jesus thinks so, and he ought to know.

Maybe if Christians did what Jesus told us, we could eliminate some of the taxes we pay to fund the "ministry" the government does in our shameful absence."

Click to read whole article

__________________________________

& on a global view:

A thought-provoking series of photos from I-Heart.

Do these people really deserve this? Just because of a few bad choices they made in the past? Aren't we all humans who deserve a second chance to actually live like humans?

Think about it.

Click for full image

I found this next article, originally published in New York Times, featured on I Heart.

Did you know? Because in our safe, comfortable suburban lives, we sometimes forget that this things happen at our doorsteps.

"Prostitution in America isn’t as brutal as it is in, say, India, Nepal, Pakistan, Cambodia and Malaysia (where young girls are routinely kidnapped, imprisoned and tortured by brothel owners, occasionally even killed)."

*bolded word added for emphasise. Not bolded in original article

Click to read the whole article

_____________________________________

& that brought us full circle, back to home.

You know that you need to wake up & do something when...

2009-05-30T13:50:00.003+01:00

You know how you always thought of doing community service? How it'd be good to go visit an orphanage some day, help the less fortunate & so on?

I wonder why. Why did we grow up with those thoughts? I don't think I've ever met anyone who would, admittedly, say that they hate the idea of doing something good for charity. Or maybe social conditioning makes them lie, for fear of other people brandishing them as "heartless".

If ever there was a concert in which proceeds were to go to charity, or maybe a charity carnival, or charity sale, people who are involved in it will probably say to themselves, "I did something for charity," forgetting the possibility that perhaps, if there was no 'charity' label attached to it, they would still have gone anyway, just to enjoy themselves.

Perhaps it's our way of purging our own conscience - yes, I did my little bit for mankind.

Then we go on with our lives as if there aren't a million other people out there suffering, or starving, or dying...

The whole charity thing is always at the back of our minds, isn't it? We think it'd be cool to go volunteer somewhere or sponsor a child or something.

The question is, what next? Do we actually go ahead & carry our talk into action?

Social advocates are becoming the 'in' thing now. Loving the environment makes you 'hip' nowadays. Just look at the number of "Save The Environment" shirts (or those with similar themes).

I'm not dismissing them as fake or anything. It's possible that they really do care & genuinely want to do something for the world. But then life & its daily routine takes over, & you know how it's like...

I know. I used to be like that too. But increasingly this year, I've been finding that I'm growing to have more compassion for these less fortunate people. I'm beginning to ask myself again & again, "What am I doing to help them?". The whole social justice thing isn't just a "cool thing to try out" anymore, it's actually become something that is getting close to my heart.

This change in me is so cool, it's scary.

I know where the influence comes from. A combination of Hillsong United's I Heart Revolution, Brooke Fraser's Albertine, Switchfoot's Habitat For Humanity, Leslie Ludy's Set Apart Femininity, Philip Yancey's Prayer...

I don't know where God is leading me with this. It's still too early to come to conclusions.

But I'm excited.

___________________________________________

Just wanted to share this that I found on Switchfoot's MySpace blog. Didn't expect myself to end up writing all that up there.

Do read the blog, it's inspiring.

"We are Hosea's wife, we are squandering this life
Using people like ladders & words like lies
If we've eyes to see, if we've ears to hear..."

- Hosea's Wife, Brooke Fraser

You know we desperately need to pray when...

2009-05-22T13:40:00.006+01:00

Currently reading: Prayer by Philip Yancey
Currently listening to: You're Still You by The Three Kuchingites

Tonight, my church meets to pray about the issue that has embroiled us for the past half-year. I don't claim to know all the facts; I definitely have heard some of the speculations, but one thing that is certain - the church is facing the possibility of losing our license under the Registrar of Societies in Malaysia.

For a long time, I chose to be silent about this. I didn't know the exact details of the whole situation & I felt that I wasn't in the position to pass opinions or discuss the issue when I only had grapevine news to rely on. The only black-&-white source I had seen couldn't be trusted - it was issued by the grieving party & thus biased.

Yes, we prayed. We understood the gravity of the situation - but perhaps we fell lax a bit, thinking that the issue would eventually solve itself out because after all, it has happened many times before, hasn't it? Different pastor, different scenario, but ultimately the same implication. The senior pastor leaves, a new one comes in. & the cycle repeats itself.

We never really do learn our lesson, do we? & perhaps this is God's way of telling us "This is the final straw. I will not tolerate your unbelief any longer! Clean your act together & start behaving like a real church!"

Because there isn't any other way to put it.

So many of what has happened throughout the past few months, how some of us have acted, are direct contradictions to Jesus' second most important teaching - "Love your neighbour as yourself".

& while doing devotion today, I came across these verses:

1 Corinthians 6:1-8

Lawsuits Among Believers

"¹If any of you has a dispute with another, dare he take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the saints? ²Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? ³Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! ⁴Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church! ⁵I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? ⁶But instead, one brother goes to law against another—and this in front of unbelievers!

⁷The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? ⁸Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers."

_________________________

Could the Bible get any clearer?

& that was when I realised, I cannot hold my silence any longer, or I will risk becoming lukewarm.

To the Church of FBC,

Please, stop. I will present no fancy arguments of any sort, but a simple reference to how the early church conducted themselves. It is written in Acts 2:42-47 that the early believers devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching, to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread, & to prayer, selling their possessions & goods to share with those in need. Further on in Acts 11 & 15, disputes are resolved in front of church leaders, with everyone given the chance to explain themselves. When Barnabas & Paul could not in a short time come to an agreement, they parted company, but only because they wanted to continue to do the work of God without wasting any more time.

We need to ask ourselves, "Why does the church exist?" An obvious question, it may seem. To be salt & light to the world. To show God's love to the world. To be His hands & feet in this fallen world. (& also the more minor but still important role of encouraging other believers).

With these answers comes the even more obvious fact that every second spent contending over this issue is a precious second lost not being these things. How long more are we going to bicker like little children whilst people out there die? Our time & energy could be better employed in helping those who are suffering out there rather than finding fault amongst ourselves.

& if that still didn't convince you over the futility of this fiasco, let me tell you this:

You might say that it's complicated, that a young girl like me could not possibly comprehend the extent of the many factors that come into play, that it's easier said than done, that I'm being naive, that we all mean well, really, that it's all Satan's fault, not ours, that we're already trying our best but it's just not working out...

Well, to me, it's as simple as this -

Jesus died to save us, & this is how we repay Him?

You know you are suffering from post-PKTR syndrome when...

2009-04-23T07:56:00.011+01:00

1. You find yourself crying silently when you think of PKTR

Alright so maybe this applies more to girls. This actually happened to me last year. I had to leave early to attend my cousin's wedding which was at the same time as the closing ceremony. So after saying my goodbyes outside the bus (which was tear-free on my part, a surprising fact seeing as how I tear easily), I went into McDonald's near Dataran Mahkota (or something like that) to wait for my parents. After buying myself a cup of McFlurry Oreo to comfort myself over having to skip the final part of the camp, I sat down to read the lil' notes some of my friends had written to me. & I started crying right there in public.

Another instance was when I was browsing through my PKTR pictures to pick the nice shots to develop. The memories flooded me & opened the tear gates. But that was in the comfort of my own home. Then just yesterday, one of this year's participants told me that she, too, cried when she got home.

Such is the impact PKTR leaves on you.

2. You find yourself sick after the camp

Two weeks of tiring activities & minimal sleep will take a toll on your body sooner or later. Last year, a lot of us fell sick right after the camp. Sore throat, fever, cough, flu... All the minor illnesses that are associated with not enough sleep and/or water.

& this year, I found out that being part of the urusetia team does not make you immune to this symptom of the post-PKTR syndrome.

3. You find yourself unable to concentrate back in college, your mind flitting every few seconds to the friends you made & wondering how they, too, are coping with the switch back to normal life

This is pretty self-explanatory. I remember how last year I kept messaging some of my PKTR friends during lessons just to chat, simply because I felt like talking about nothing else other than PKTR but none of my college classmates would have understood what I was ranting about. & I felt bad about constantly burdening my best friend Esther about how much I missed PKTR because I didn't wanna make her feel as if she had missed out.

This year, it was considerably easier because I have Sharon in my class to rant to. But still, the mind wanders.

4. You find yourself elated when you bump into one of your PKTR friends

The first time I saw Voon Hui in college after PKTR struck me so much that I can recall the exact scene - I was walking up the staircase near the cafeteria to the first floor when I saw her outside the Pre-U office. I was just so glad & relieved to be able to talk to one of my fellow participants face-to-face. It was as if seeing her confirmed that everything we went through in PKTR was real & that it wasn't all just a figment of my imagination.

Same goes for this year. When I bumped into Tracey in the Taylor's library, I was so happy to hear from her on how she was coping & all. Have been keeping an eye out for Julin, the only other PKTR 08 Taylorian in Subang.

5. You find yourself meeting up with your PKTR friends within four weeks of the end of the camp

Last year, we actually had a small gathering on the Thursday after the camp ended (it ended on Sunday). It was a small, last minute thing with only a few of us to celebrate Nicole Asha's birthday. But being in their company was just awesome, as if we were back in camp. :)

Celebrating Nicole Asha's Birthday at TGIF, Pyramid
Boy was she surprised. :)

Standing, L-R: Ashwin, Voon Hui, Zhen, Sheela, Choong Ai
Sitting, L-R: Kishu, Birthday Girl, Aaron

Three weeks later, we had a farewell for Pat, Danial & Ahmad, the earliest of our batch to leave the country. Pat & Danial are now in France under the Petronas scholarship, studying Geology whilst Ahmad is now in the US of A under MARA scholarship, studying Engineering.

We invaded KFC

Standing, L-R: Ashwin, Choong Ai, Aaron, Maisara Sofia, Pat, Zhen
Sitting, L-R: Voon Hui, Ikmal, Christina, Furqan, Danial

L-R: Ashwin, Farith, Voon Hui, Furqan, Danial,
Choong Ai, Ikmal, Ahmad, Zhen, Aaron, Maisara

6. You find yourself stalking your PKTR friends either on their blogs, Facebook, or Friendster, just to know what they've been up to

I think I added more than 15 blogs on my reading list after PKTR. Some of them actually created their blog after PKTR for the very purpose of keeping in touch. But of course, with our busy schedules (because PKTRians are all brilliant, busy people), some aren't updated as often as they'd like & some are now defunct.

7. You find yourself going through any PKTR pictures you have again & again & again & again...

Just to relive those memories. :)

____________________________

Of course, the above list isn't exhaustive. But definitely a useful guide to self-diagnosing yourself with post-PKTR syndrome.

You know your time has been utterly consumed when...

2009-04-15T18:47:00.002+01:00

Currently reading: Possession by A. S. Byatt
Currently listening to: We Sing We Dance We Steal Things by Jason Mraz

This here, my dear faithful blog readers, is the reason for my prolonged hiatus on the blogosphere.

& thus, I invite you to view this production that has taken up a bulk of my time since the end of February.

PROM THE MUSICAL

Dates: 29th April - 3rd May (Wed-Sun)

Time: Wed-Sat 8.30pm nightly
Sat & Sun 3.00 pm

Venue: Pentas 2, KLPac

Price: Wed Night - RM 38
Thurs-Sun - RM 60

SPECIAL PRICE FOR STUDENTS, DISABLED & SENIOR CITIZENS OR GROUP PURCHASE!!

RM 48

I will be performing as part of the ensemble cast.

& if the guy at the bottom right corner of the poster looks familiar, that's because he's my friend from Puay Chai & Taylor's.

I will be honest, most of us performing are first-timers in a musical. But that doesn't mean we're not enthusiastic or committed. We have been working extremely hard, putting in plenty of hours in the studio to perfect the routines just so we can put on a great show that will entertain.

Seriously, there are times when I literally go for practice, come back, sleep, wake up, eat, then go for practice again.

It's been tiring but it's definitely been fun. I hope that you will come & support us. :)

If you have any questions as to how to get tickets or anything else, do leave a comment or message me.

Hope to see you there. :)

& I am one step closer to crossing off "Star in my very own musical" on my "Things To Do Before I Die" List. ;)

You know the world won't stop moving when...

2009-03-10T10:02:00.003Z

Sounds emanating from every angle. Reflected upon her only to come back magnified twice-fold, triple-fold, quadruple-fold... They were relentless, fierce, unforgiving. The music playing in her ears, tuned up to the fullest volume, did nothing to dampen their spirits. Still the murmur grew, throwing itself at her. The crescendo was building with the music. She understood everything & yet knew nothing. The occasional laughter floating from some back corner of the room came across as the lead violin playing in a symphony of cacophonous voices that made no coherence but at the same time fit like a masterpiece. There was no conductor & yet the orchestra of voices played. She wanted no part in this, no part in this sea of dissonance -

She folded into herself, & disappeared into eternity.

You know life is important & so is love, but why?

2009-02-26T15:15:00.002Z

I apologize for the lack of entries.

I suppose in a way, I should be thankful that so many things have happened till I could not find the time to sit down & blog. January & February have been extremely eventful months, & the ride looks set to continue for the next few months, slowing down for awhile in May only to pick up the pace again in mid-June.

Life has been very colourful indeed, & day by day is spent living instead of mulling now.

But that only means that I have more stories to tell, more content to blog with, but less time to do so.

Yes, the greatest Paradox of Life.

Anyways, I am not here to philosophize. Just to do some explaining.

I realised that I never got a chance to explain the conception of Life, Love & Why. Switchfoot fans would recognise my Blog title as a stolen title from one of Switchfoot's earlier songs - Life & Love & Why from the album Legend of Chin. The title of the song struck me long before the song did - Life & Love & Why. An apt summary of what our lives revolve around.

In the song, it says

"All of your hoping

And all of your searching

For what?

Ask me for what am I living

Or what gives me strength

That I'm willing to die for"

- Life & Love & Why, Switchfoot

The song poses a lot of questions which are exactly what I intend to try & answer on this blog. Not directly all the time, but hopefully in a larger way. I am still searching as well, as to what kind of identity I want this blog to have.

While I was re-seeking the purpose of my blog, I found that most of my entries can be categorised into Life, Love & Why.

Life - anecdotes or things that bring colour to life, like events, reads, music etc.
Love - the things that matter to me, like friends, writings, devotion time etc.
Why - my opinion on situations or my take on my own history - introspective, retrospective, perspective

Right now I am still rushing to finish telling last year's important stories. If you read my Summary on 2008, you would realise that at certain parts, I refer you to dead ends. I intend to post up my entries on those events soon, & eventually link it to that post. So bear with me while I undergo this process.

I do realise that my lack of blogging time will also mean tha I'll probably take forever to finish 2008 &, in between, talk about 2009. & also that my stories would not be of the quality of writing I wish them to take.

But my focus for now is just to get them out. & then maybe I'll be able to blog on normal timeline again.

You know your weakness is your strength when...

2009-02-19T16:02:00.008Z

Currently listening to: Dreamgirls Soundtrack

I didn't use to be able to sing. Not more than a year ago, I had a weak voice with a raspy sound. I sang with my throat, not my diaphragm, and despite having been trained in drama to throw my voice, I could never apply that same technique to singing.

I had a good sense of aural, I can carry a tune, but my voice was weak. Because of that, I failed my Yamaha singing test not once, but twice. Thank God I passed the third time. But it was a huge blow to me and while I would jokingly relate that story to just about anyone, inside, it really threw off my confidence in singing.

Then, in February 2006, my cell group was supposed to lead Youth Worship, & it was "my turn" to lead the songs. I was actually quite excited about it. I didn't allow my voice or inexperience to hinder me; I just led, the best way I knew.

That was how I started leading worship. Till now I still wonder at how someone like me was used by God to lead people in worship. Someone who had failed her singing test twice. But God takes the weak and make them strong. He took me - a person with no special singing talent or melodious voice or wide range or perfect key - and guided me to leading His people into worship.
I actively served in worship for two years. Throughout those two years, I grew both as a worship leader and as a musician, learning the ropes along the way. I was sometimes told that some of the worship sessions I led were good; that the songs I picked had a good flow. But I always knew that it wasn't my own doing. It was God in me.

Of course, the years were filled with ups and downs. At one point, I lost my heart for worship and it became just a spiritual duty to fulfil. I cried when I realised that, because when I compared it with the exhilaration I had when I led worship for the very first time, I realised how much better it could have been if I hadn't lost my heart.

In 2008, the Youth Committee decided to take a different approach to worship. They realised how people like me never had proper training before we started leading. So, a mentoring system was founded where experienced musicians would play in a team with other less experiened ones so as to pass on the knowledge. I was put under the tutelage of another worship leader.

I learnt a lot about the technical side worship that year. They say that the best way to grow as a worship leader is to observe other worship leaders' styles. I did. But my team leader was also concerned about my singing.

I remember it was one day in July 2008. John Yen & Luke were trying to help me sing using my real voice - not the fake, falsetto-like voice I had been using throughout the years. It didn't work right away. But later that day, after watching a show by the Canticle Singers, A Grand Night For Singing, I went home and, inspired by the show, tried to sing properly.

To my surprise, what came out was not the weak, breathy voice I had been using throughout my life. What I heard was something far different. So I tried again. And again. & just like that, I learnt how to sing.

God had helped me find my voice.

I was ecstatic, having finally unlocked that last barrier. I started to sing with more abandon. I practiced whenever I could, mostly in class or at home in my room. It felt so good to be able to sing without straining my voice and having it coarse after that.

It had been over a year since I last led worship by myself. My team leader said it was time to let me lead half of the worship session. So I did.

But for some reason or the other, I could not sing properly. There was something wrong, & I knew it. Inexplicable, it was, because without the microphone I could sing using the right technique but somehow, when I used the mike, my voice would return to how it used to be - weak and raspy.

I was perplexed. I didn't know what to do. At the last moment before we led worship, I gave in to the pressure to not sing with the falsetto-like voice. I sang deeper. But even then, it wasn't my real voice, and I knew I was straining my voice to reach the high notes. But I had no choice.

Right after that day of forcing myself to sing, I fell sick. Sore throat first and eventually fever. I recovered after 9 days. But just last Thursday, I had practice for youth worship and again the same problem. I couldn't sing properly. When I got back home, I started having cough again.

Eventually, I realised that though I had learnt to sing properly, I had also developed an inside fear of singing in public. For some reason, if I am asked to sing out loud in front of everyone else, my heart starts to thump against my chest, I feel the blood coursing through my vessels, I get all nervous... & I revert back to singing with my fake voice. Not even falsetto, mind you. But the straining-voice type, thus hurting my own throat.

I don't understand it. When I randomly sing in class, it's fine. I suppose it's because then, I don't have the pressure of having to sound good or perform or anything like that. No one is expecting me to sing. But when I am expected to sing... Well, that goes & happen.

There is a marked difference in my singing when I'm in the room with people watching me sing & when I'm outside the room just practicing. It's automatic, & I am quite annoyed at myself, really. Because I know I can sing much better than that. I'm not giving my best. I'm trying to. But I'm not.

So it was that this whole singing thing was plaguing my mind when I happened to come across this verse:

"For my power is made perfect in your weakness"

2 Corinthians 12:9

Then I understood. My weakness has & probably always be my singing. Without it, I would never have seen God work through me the way He did. It is the one thing in which I can definitely not claim as my own work, because I know how I suck at singing. Yet He used me for His purpose. He turned me, with my weak voice & narrow range, into something other than that.

I am no great singer now, but I believe He's not quite done with me. I am struggling with this, but I will draw faith from this verse. I will not despair.

You know you're receiving more than you're giving when...

2009-01-14T08:39:00.007Z

Currently reading: The Gift Of Rain by Tan Twan Eng
Currently listening to: Albertine by Brooke Fraser

It only seems befitting that the first post for the year 2009 should be a recap of the year 2008. We need to start the New Year knowing where we came from, how far we've journeyed, & where we want to go next. Such thorough introspection & retrospection can only be done in January. Held too soon, we are yet unable to look at things objectively; too late, & we will have been caught into the full cycle of 2009, where 2008 will seem like a movie from our past whose run has long stopped.

We can only start reflecting on the past year with an open mind after it has come to a proper close, for how can we honestly comment on the year that was passed if we're still living it? For all you know, something may happen during the last few days of 2008 that might just turn the whole of 2008 over for you. I can personally testify to that.

So here it is, my take on 2008. The one thing that stood out the most was this: the fact that I seem to have received more than I give. Something I only realised just yesterday, which reinforces my thoughts above.

JANUARY 2008
I started college unsure of myself. Being put in one of the best Pre-Medicine classes in Taylor's University College spelt pressure & competition for me. From the beginning, I had decided not to join the Student Council. It was mostly out of curiousity, that, to see who I really was behind all those responsibilities & positions. I was interested in getting to know the real me, the me who was without all those high school labels. I felt it was time to take a backseat, away from all the busyness of non-academic life.

Throughout the whole month, the class was very quiet. Us girls thought all the guys were nerds as they hardly spoke to any of us.

FEBRUARY 2008
The highlight of February was, without a doubt, Switchfoot Live In Malaysia. I went all out for it - listening to nothing but Switchfoot the month prior to the concert, arriving just past 11am (doors open at 6pm), waiting at the front of the line, buying & wearing their T-shirt during the concert, lining up to get their autographs. Ben & I even got interviewed by some Media but we never saw the footage.

February was the month of random outings & farewells. It was also Valentine's Day, when all the guys in the class gave all the girls a cucumber each, with a note saying:

"HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
You need a cucumber facial BADLY!"

Yes yes, it's the thought that counts... The class had grown closer, of which we owe large thanks to Ko, our Class Mascot, the first one to herald all of us together. Most of our class bonding sessions were initiated by him, & as a result... well, stick on to find out.

During the Valentine's weekend, the First Baptist Church youth had a two-day retreat to Harvest Haven in which I fell in love with a little boy named Matthew Prescott Heron. Honestly, he is the cutest boy ever! On a more serious note, God spoke to me through one of the speakers, Wini Heron. My doubts and insecurities were addressed, & I started letting go of all the pressure and stress that had been put upon me while in PM4.

MARCH 2008

Early March, my house was robbed, the details of which you can read here.

This was the month when our SPM results were released, & the crazy period of scholarship applications started.

God gave me 14 A1s, for which I am eternally grateful. I never doubted Him - taking 14 subjects was something I felt God wanted me to do; four extra subjects & nothing more. The only subject I struggled with was Literature in English, but I trusted that He led me to take those subjects for a reason. & at the end of the day, He blessed me with 14 A1s.

By this time, if I'm not mistaken, I had already been elected as Vice President of TAYMUN. Taylor's University College Model United Nations was the only club I joined because I wanted to limit my extra-curricular activity involvement. I chose to join TAYMUN because my classmate, Ken Vin, wanted to set up the club from scratch & also because the concept appealed to me. I didn't plan on becoming VP either; I was originally the Public Relations Officer, but when John, co-founder & original VP, had to leave Taylor's for another course in Nilai IC, the post was vacant & well, it fell to me.

Oh, & I started assisting my tap dance teacher in three of her classes.

APRIL 2008

From the end of March to the middle of April, I was attending one scholarship interview a week. Bank Negara Malaysia, JPA, Khazanah (two out of four stages)... It was tiring but also huge loads of fun, getting to meet so many people.

Towards the end of April, I found out that Bank Negara Malaysia had decided to give me the Special Scholarship Award. Read more about that here.

This was also the month when I attended my first MUN conference. A small-scale one, but exciting nonetheless. From then on, I was hooked.

Oh, & I also received my first paycheck from Jean Gan Academy of Ballet & Music!

MAY 2008

I attended Program Kepimpinan Tun Razak, one of the best camps I've been for. All participants were nominated by their schools & then hand-picked by Yayasan Tun Razak through an interview. It was just amazing, meeting 70 other like-minded people from all over Malaysia. Together, we made a wacky, multi-talented bunch. Up till today, I still keep in touch with them, these lifelong friends that I made in a mere 12 days. I had to leave the camp early to attend my cousin, Joo Lyn's wedding, so I didn't get to say a proper goodbye to all of them. But that's alright; we're still meeting up now anyway.

May was a very intense month for me. In one of the weeks, my emotions went peak high only to be brought down low. I was so happy over getting a ticket to watch Hillsong United again when the tickets were supposedly sold out, only to get robbed for the second time in three months the very next day. That account can be found here.

JUNE 2008

June was a great time of meeting up with high school friends & going out with college friends. We had our term break, & I spent it deliciously doing absolutely no work.

We came back from our term break refreshed. Despite being reduced in size, PM4 grew more insane by the day. A whole family was created and erm - if I were to go into greater details you would probably go mad too, so I'll spare you the suffering. XD Suffice to say that our bonds turned from ionic to covalent (class joke).

I started staying in a hostel, Casa Subang, since the scholarship gave me accomodation too. It was an adventure to me, staying in a hostel. I didn't like it at first because I actually woke up earlier than if I were to stay at home, but I saw it as a sort of preparation before going overseas. But I'm glad I did because my housemates, all Bank scholars, have become such dear friends.

JULY 2008

Somehow, Vanu had convinced me to join Talent Arena. I was pretty reluctant to because I hadn't performed in such a long time but well, she managed to make me join in the end. & because she did, I made her join in the little sketch before my dance

Talent Arena made me realise how much I still love performing, the exhiliration I get when I'm on stage. Despite a minor technical problem, we managed to cover it up & the performance went well. I really didn't expect to win anything - I was in it for the fun of it. But yes, like I said, God gave me a lot of things this year, & winning the Talent Arena was one of them, even though at first I was placed second then something happened (I still don't know the full story) but basically after that the results were revised & I was first.

In July, I started fasting for the first time in my life. It was for the 40-day Fast & Prayer for the Nation, with the fast ending on 31st August 2008. I chose to skip lunch everyday, making it a sometimes 12-hour fast from 6am when I had my breakfast to 6pm when I would have dinner.

I didn't know what to expect. I always thought that I was supposed to feel hunger, but honestly, not once did I feel hungry throughout the period of fasting. That led me to think that my fasting was futile. It wasn't until after the fast that I realised that wasn't it. Any other ordinary day, when I eat the same amount for breakfast as I did during my fasting period, I would get hungry by the time it was 11am. But during the fast, I didn't. I still don't quite understand why. Anyone care to enlighten me?

AUGUST 2008

I attended the second Malaysian Student Leaders Summit & learnt a lot from those two days. I left early on the last day though, forgoing the debate the young MPs to attend Passion World Tour at Sunway Convention Centre, where Chris Tomlin was playing. A trade I would make any other day, as Passion turned out to be a really awesome experience, & I felt God's presence stronger than I had in those few months.

I submitted my Oxford application, the one thing I did not procrastinate on. & thus began my Oxford journey.

Our AS trials started, & my birthday was smack in the middle of it. It was still pretty awesome anyway - my housemates surprised me with a birthday cake an hour before my Physics paper. & after that, I received a Starbucks mooncake as a surprise!

SEPTEMBER 2008

The month of weddings. Haha. Patrick & Selena finally got married (we were all waiting for it to happen) & my cousin, Ming Hoe, also got married.

In September, we had our first class photoshoot for the CAL yearbook, which I coordinated & carried out. I had so much fun! & I'm sure the others did too. We took shots based on our "Family Tree", where everyone had to dress up according to what they were in the family. I would put it up now but the yearbook's not out yet so wait for that. XD

OCTOBER 2008

Starting of AS! Not much to elaborate. & erm, AYTR Open House.

I also attended my Oxford interview.

NOVEMBER 2008

After my AS exams, I went to Xi'an, China, with three other Taylorians to attend the National Model United Nations Conference. Once again, God gave to me abundantly, by helping me secure sponsorship from Yayasan Tun Razak so my whole trip was paid for.

NMUN China was very different from the other MUN conferences back home. It was definitely a valuable experience, not to mention making loads of friends from all over!

Will post up a full report some other time. :)

DECEMBER 2008

The last month of 2008 was busy indeed. PM4 visited Ms Ko, our Bio teacher, who had recently given birth to a healthy baby girl. The girls had a Girlie Day where some of us went shopping in Sungai Wang & the rest joined us in my house for a Chick Flick Movie Marathon.

I had my second Oxford interview over the phone, one day before TeenStreet 2008, where I was to be assistant coach. It was my first time at TeenStreet, so I didn't really know what to expect. I was helping my coach lead six other 13-14 year old girls, & though I didn't feel qualified, I felt that God led me to that.

You see, my friend Rachel & I initially applied to go to TeenStreet as part of the Service Team as we were too old to go as participants. Being a member of the Service Team would require us to run around manning the bookstore & the stations for the telematch-like activities they had, where we would have minimum interaction with the participants. Then Su-Anne, our cell group leader, told us that the Service Team quota had been filled. She suggested that we tried applying to be coaches, despite the minimum age of 21.

To cut a long story short, after loads of prayer, we both went as assistant coaches. & I'm glad we did, because we really got to know the younger participants in our group better. It made me reflect on what I am doing to bring up the younger generation in my church.

After TeenStreet, we had our Youth Camp with the theme "U-TURN - It's Not Too Late!". This time, I was a group leader, & I had to learn to rely on God throughout - for leading discussions, leading the group activities etc.

Then there was Christmas! Where I helped choreographed part of a dance for the play.

After which I fell sick. & found out that Oxford had rejected me, even after being pooled.

The week when I was sick gave me a lot of time to just ponder & reflect on it. On what God really wanted for me. On what I should do next. On whether I should give Oxford another try.

________________________________________________

So it was that I started 2008 at a low, peaked throughout, & ended it in a subdued manner.

But through it all, I have learnt grown so much closer to God as a result, learning more about Him.

& mind you, what I just typed up there is but a fraction of the story of my 2008. I haven't even gone into the people I've met in college!

But I have to make this point, that in 2008, I received so abundantly, & gave so little in return.

I hope that 2009 will see a change in that.

You know the journey is still worth it when...

2008-12-26T09:56:00.006Z

When I was seven, I sat on the carpet in the main hall of the Cosmotots I.Q. Development Centre, listening to our Principal, Mr T.C. Yoong, as he gave us our usual assembly talk before we were to break out into our respective classes. Today, I cannot recall his exact words, or the content of his talk, but one fact was impressed upon my young mind: that the best universities in the world were Oxford & Cambridge, jointly called Oxbridge, & I had to aim to one day enter one of these two universities.

It seems almost unbelievable, that a young girl at the mere age of seven going on eight could harbour such high ambitions. What did she know of universities & tertiary education? What did she know of the extreme competition she would face during the applications process? What did she know of the fees, of the foreign exchange rate that would see her nation's ringgit fare 6 to 1 compared to the UK's pound? If you had asked her these things then, she would have probably stared at you incomprehensibly. Perhaps it was this naivety & idealism of hers that helped sustain this castle-in-the-air through the volatility of childhood dreams. Believe if you will, but since those fateful Cosmotots days, my sights were set on these two prestigious universities.

It would not be entirely preposterous to say that all my actions since then were subconsciously geared towards preparing myself for Oxbridge. I never decided to do something just so "it would help me get into Oxbridge" or so "it would look good on my Oxbridge application", but looking back at my schooling life, every single thing I went through has contributed to shaping my thoughts, my attitude, my beliefs & my character – all these eventually helping me on my journey to Oxbridge. Throughout my schooling days, I worked hard & played hard, ensuring that I only ever got involved in activities that I was passionate for & not just as a means to an end. Yet, in retrospect, I realise now how invaluable those life lessons are. Without them, I might not even be in the position to consider applying to Oxbridge.

The universities of Oxford & Cambridge both base their admissions criteria solely on academic potential. Although I obtained straight A1s in my SPM examination, I still would not have been able to apply with my grades alone as there was the question of funding to consider. Being collegiate universities, Oxbridge charge separate fees for the university & the college, amounting to quite a fair bit of money. And the high exchange rate doesn’t exactly help either. But early this year, God blessed me with a scholarship from the Central Bank of Malaysia, & with my funding secure, I could now realistically apply to Oxbridge.

I had decided by the end of last year that I want to read Law in university level. The fact that I was doing pre-medicine subjects for my A-Levels or that I had close to zilch legal knowledge did not bother me. If anything, it spurred me to work harder during the applications process. After speaking to a number of students, whether current Oxbridge students or former Oxbridge applicants, I eventually decided to apply to Oxford as I realized I was more suited for Oxford. Thus, my applications journey began.

Throughout these past six months, I have learnt so much & grown so much as a result. I was pushed to write the best personal statement I could, & I tried to do the same for my friends when they came to me with theirs. I put on a thick face to ask strangers from Oxford for advice, & have now become friends with them. I prepared as much as I could for my National Law Admissions Test (LNAT), & am now wiser because of that. But of course, the highlight of the applications process would be my Oxford interview.

Held in PJ Hilton on the 20th October 2008, I can still remember the excitement it gave me. Oxford interviews are conducted in a similar manner to actual tutorial sessions, & that was exactly what I got. I was given a case extract to read for half an hour before my interview was slated to start. When I went into the interview room, my interviewer wasted no time in starting the discussion. She posed questions that pushed me & challenged me, always to nudge or prod me in the right direction. It was the first time I ever had to think so hard before getting to an answer – a far cry from the spoon-feeding culture in Malaysia - & I loved every single moment of it.

After my interview, I realized that I found the teaching & learning process of tutorial systems intellectually satisfying. I remember saying to myself afterwards, “If this is how it’s like in Oxford, I definitely want to study there!” But the applications process was over – or so I thought - & I was resorted to a two-month wait before the results were to be revealed in the week leading to Christmas. Reluctantly, I went back to my everyday life, finding the shift from pre-Oxford interview to post-Oxford interview difficult to adjust to.

Then, in the first week of December, I received an email from the admissions officer at Pembroke College. The college I had applied to, Brasenose College, was oversubscribed to this year, & I had been pooled to Pembroke College instead. Pooling is a process in Oxbridge whereby strong candidates from a college that may have too many applicants are pooled to another college with fewer applicants so that they will have an equal chance of getting into Oxbridge. This is important because to gain entry into the university, you must be accepted by one of the colleges under the university, & Oxbridge want to ensure that strong candidates are not at a reduced chance of getting a place just because the college they applied to had too many applicants. It did not matter that I had been pooled to a different college – I was just ecstatic to know that I was still under consideration for a place.

The email also said that the Law tutors at Pembroke wanted to have a phone interview with me. I replied the admissions officer & we agreed on the day & time when the tutors could call me on my handphone. This time round, I did not prepare as much as I did for my first interview. I was quite scared, actually, as I had no idea what to expect for a phone interview.

At 6.15pm Malaysian time, 10.15am UK time, the Law tutors at Pembroke College called me. They introduced themselves, & in no time at all, I was given scenarios & asked whether the offender could be prosecuted & under what offence. They switched the scenarios around, playing with details that seemed minor but actually had major legal implications. Once again, I found myself enjoying the questioning & re-questioning process.

With that phone interview this evening, I have finally completed my Oxford applications. It has been eleven years since I first formed that castle-in-the-air. Throughout those years, I have slowly laid down the foundations with the help of my family, friends & teachers. But within these six months, the structure of the foundation has rose faster than I thought it would, bringing me high up into the sky where I can finally see my castle within reach. Though it will be another two weeks before I find out if my castle-in-the-air is actually attainable, the foundations I have built are strong & even if I were to never reach that castle-in-the-air, well, these foundations are a pretty good place to live in too.

___________________________________________________________

No, I didn't get it. But I will still praise Him.

All of my life, in every season, I will still praise Him.

Because you know what? I still believe I'll reach that castle someday. But until I get there, I might as well enjoy the view from these foundations.

You know Xi'An beckons when...

2008-11-20T15:40:00.004Z

Currently reading: The House Of The Spirits by Isabel Allende
Currently listening to: Sara Bareilles

"Zhenelle is praying for direction."

Feeling: Excited

In exactly 24 hours, I will be on a plane to China, heading to Xi'An for my very first international conference - the National Model United Nations Conference, China.

I never imagined my first true taste of independence to come like this. I knew the wanderlust in me would bring me to remote corners of the world in order to satiate its growing desire, but I always thought that I would take it one small step at a time, starting with short term trips around KL progressing to backpacking throughout the Peninsular and graduating to a full-length expedition to East Malaysia before I would dare venture out of the country's border lines by myself. I never quite imagined that my first foray to the outside world would come in the form of an international conference.

With this trip, I will be making my first excursion overseas without any parent or chaperone, having to rely on my own instincts and sense to survive the wiles of the outside world. Granted, it is a conference after all, so accommodation & meals are taken care of for us. And out of the eight days I'll be away, three will be taken up by the conference so we'll be pretty much restricted to hotel grounds then. But otherwise, when it comes to checking into the airport, getting from the airport to the hotel, exploring Xi'An and so on, we are, simply put, on our own. It feels as if I'm having all these independence and responsibilities suddenly shoved into my hands, & I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do with them.

Okay fine so maybe I forgot to mention that all four of us going are legally adults and are naturally expected to be responsible for ourselves. But increase in age does not automatically translate to increase in maturity or experience. All four of us have never attended a conference on such a scale before, with 200 other international students converging at Xi'An to discuss & debate on the issues plaguing our broken world today. So many uncertainties lie ahead, concerning what exactly to expect for those eight days, but one thing is for sure: that we will definitely come back a little wiser.

It still hasn't sunk in that I'm actually going. Not even now when it's less than a day away from my flight. There were many obstacles we had to face in preparation for the trip, largely involving our lack of funds & our sponsor pulling out of us last minute due to the "economic crisis". My father was quite reluctant to pay the amount especially since our costs escalated due to there being no direct flight to Xi'An, meaning we would have to transit at Shanghai from KL, causing us an extra two flights. It even came to a point when I was questioning myself just two weeks before the trip as to whether I should attend the conference at all; whether this was God's plan for me. Luckily for me, I managed to secure a sponsor who agreed to subsidise the official costs of the conference. Unfortunately, three of us from the original team had to withdraw in the end, & I do so wish they could have joined us. But I suppose that it is only with having less familiar faces to accompany me will I be truly nudged out of my comfort zone. Which, in retrospect, is what this whole trip is about, isn't it?

It's not going to be all fun and games, but it's not going to be a total bore either. I decided to take a slightly different approach in throwing myself into character for the conference. Since I will be representing Chile, I decided to seek out books by Chilean novelists in order to truly gain an understanding on the Chilean people & their history. I am really glad I did this because before this, I had no idea that Isabel Allende is a Chilean. (I read her semi-fantasy novel City Of The Beasts a few years back on the recommendation of my best friend Elena. Since then I'd wanted to read her other fiction novels as well but never had the chance to.) As I begin the first few chapters of her first published novel The House Of The Spirits, already I am beginning to see the lifestyle & culture of the Chilean people in a new light that I would have never been able to if I had stuck to plain old research methods. That, at the end of the day, is the beauty of Model United Nations (MUN) - to promote a spirit of international understanding through peaceful methods.

My bags are half-packed, my opening speech is not done, my research materials are not quite up to par, but I feel a sense of readiness in me to go out & drink in this experience to the full.

& by God's grace, I will.

_________________________________________

Zhen will be in Xi'An, China, from the 23rd-29th of November. She thanks everyone for all their safety prayers & looks forward to sharing about her trip with you guys when she gets back.

You know you need to be grateful when...

2008-11-10T00:58:00.002Z

Refugees

The moon shone with a white brilliance unlike any Ling had ever seen before. It was beautiful, she had to admit, but she could not help wishing it hadn’t chosen tonight to show its beauty. They would need all the cover they could get, and with the moon shining like this, it might as well have been broad daylight.

“Come, Ling, quickly, we don’t have time,” her ma whispered.

Ling took her duffel bag and hastened after her mother. In it were her important documents, clothes, food, and the few precious things she had decided she could not live without. She would have loved to pack more books, but her ma said no, you would need a bigger bag for that, and if they did get caught, carrying a small overnight bag would seem less suspicious.

Ling and her brother were running away; they were fleeing the country.

“Ma, where are we going?” her brother Jamie asked.

“You’ll see when we get there, dear. Now quiet, or people might hear,” Ma gently answered while pulling Jamie along with her.

Under the bright moonlight, Ma led them through the street at the back of their house and down another road, trying to keep to the shadows as much as possible. Ling could feel her heart beating a small tribal dance. Her ma had been planning their escape for months now, but the events of the night seemed to be moving too fast for Ling to grasp. She had had months to prepare for this night, but now it was really happening, Ling realized how she was just beginning to comprehend the enormity of the situation.

Ling and her brother were running away; they were fleeing the country, and it was unlikely they would ever see their home again unless circumstances changed for the better.

“We’re here,” Ma said. Ling watched as her ma knocked on the door of the house they had stopped in front of and a familiar face opened the door. It was Uncle Seng.

“There you are,” he said. “Hold on a moment.”

Ma turned to Ling as Uncle Seng went back into the house. Ling could feel it rising now. This was when they said goodbye.

“Ling, I trust Uncle Seng. He will bring Jamie and you as far as he can and see you two safely through. Once you get on board, though, you’ll be on your own. Make sure you take care of Jamie, okay?” Ling managed a tight nod, blinking back her looming tears as her ma, too, tried to keep her tears at bay.

“But Ma, where are we going? Aren’t you coming?” Jamie asked.

Ma bent down and hugged Jamie. “It’s going to be alright. Che will tell you later.”

“But Ma – ”

“Shh. Be a good boy now. Listen to Che Che okay?” Ma said, and her self-resolve broke with the first line of tears dripping down her cheek.

Ling let herself go too, and embraced her ma while letting her tears silently flow.

“Ma,” she said suddenly. “Come with us. We can’t leave you here like that. What’s going to happen to you? Come with us, please, Ma.”

Her ma shook her head. “We’ve been through this before, Ling. You know why I can’t leave. And there isn’t enough for the fare anyway.”

“Ma, we might never get to see you again,” Ling pleaded.

“Don’t say things like that. You have Ah Yi’s address with you?”

Ling nodded.

“When you reach there make sure you find Ah Yi okay? Now go, follow Uncle Seng.”

Ling conceded. She carried both her brother’s and her duffel bag and, holding her brother’s hand, followed behind Uncle Seng. But as she watched her mother wave goodbye, the reality hit her, and it hit her hard.

Ling and her brother were running away; they were fleeing the country, and they were leaving their ma behind to face all the horrors they had fled – by herself.

“Che, Ma said you’ll tell me where we’re going.”

They were both sitting at the back of Uncle Seng’s car, Jamie’s head rested on Ling’s lap. Ling pulled herself together and searched for the answer closest to the truth she could give. Jamie was young, but he deserved to know the truth. Just maybe not all of it.

“Well, we’re going to board an airplane and fly to US to look for Ah Yi. How about that? Our first time on an airplane!” she tried to get her brother excited.

“An airplane!” Jamie exclaimed. “Where’s US? Is it far?”

“US is very far away from here. We’ll be staying there with Ah Yi for a long, long time.”

“But why are we going to US?”

Ling hesitated. The long rehearsed explanation in her head was at the tip of her tongue. We’re on a long holiday, we’re going to visit Ah Yi and her family, we’re going to explore the world… But something made her hold back. Perhaps it was the way Jamie looked at her and then said,

“It’s because of Pa, isn’t it?”

Pa. Ba ba. Daddy. Ling could never bring herself to call her father that way. To Ling, the title ‘Pa’ should only be awarded to someone deserving; someone her father definitely was not.

How many times had she cried out “Pa” in anguish? How many times had she plead, “Please, Pa, please,” only to have it fall on deaf ears? No, any rightful father would have listened. Any rightful father would have stopped. Any rightful father would have -

Ling looked out the car window, blinking her tears dry. She didn’t want Jamie to see her like this. God only knew what Jamie thought of their father. She had never openly discussed their father with him, because she didn’t want to taint the natural, innocent admiration children would have for their fathers. One she had lost years ago.

Ling could still remember the day it all started. It was late at night, but she couldn’t sleep. Something was keeping her up; a sense of uneasiness. So she decided to go down to have a drink. As she walked out her room, she heard shouts coming from her parents’ bedroom. For some reason, Ling knew this was why she couldn’t sleep. Something was happening to her parents, and it sounded frightening, like they were being attacked. Slowly but trembling, Ling made her way to her parents’ room, mustering all the courage she had. The screams were growing louder and more hysterical with each step she took. She could barely just make out the words – was that a ‘sorry’ she heard? Hand on the knob, Ling turned it and opened the door. And that was when it all started.

“Pa! Ma! Pa, stop! Please, Pa, please, stop! Why are you hitting Ma? Pa, please!”

And it went on.

From then on, Ling became a target as well. At least she could share her ma’s burden, Ling thought. But she never understood - could not understand - why her father hit them.

Her father would find just about any excuse.

Ling, bring me a cup of water.

Ling pours a cup of warm water for him. He takes and puts it to his mouth and spits some water out.

What is this, hot water? Are you trying to kill me? This is hot water. I want cold water. Maybe this will teach you a lesson.

He takes the cup of warm water and pours it on Ling’s head. Ling bites her lip, apologizes, then wipes away the mess. Her school friend, who had come back home with Ling that day and had seen the whole fiasco, helps her clean up.

Ling, where are you going?

Ling tells him she has to go to school. The Girl Guides movement is organizing a gathering. She is the chairperson, so she needs to conduct the meeting.

Why are you doing all these things for? Why do you have to be so active? You’re never at home, always spending so much time in school. Maybe this will teach you a lesson.

He hits her as he says this, but Ling is used to it now. She has had seven years to get used to it.

Ling, what are you doing?

Ling has been caught in her room at 10pm with her nightlight on, History textbook wide open as she squints her eyes to read the words. She knows this would happen. She knows she would get caught and punished. But she has to try. So she tells him why – she has her SPM History trials tomorrow. She hasn’t had time to study, because she had to run so many errands at home.

Why are you studying so hard? I told you before, there’s no use studying so much. What good would it do? Why are you always to stubborn? Maybe this will teach you a lesson.

He takes Ling’s History textbook and hits her with it. When he is done, he takes the book away with him. Ling never saw it again.

“Che?”

Ling awoke from her reverie and her mind came back to the present.

That Jamie suspected their going away was linked to their father showed that her seven-year-old brother wasn’t as naïve as she’d thought. Bitter truth, or a glossed over version of it?

“Yes, Jamie. We’re leaving because of Pa.”

Surprisingly, Jamie didn’t ask why. Instead, he asked, “but what about Ma? Can’t she come too?”

Ling had asked her ma the exact same question when her ma first told Ling her plan. But her ma had been adamant.

“No, Ling, there’s not enough money for the airfare. I’ve saved up just enough for two one-way tickets – for you and Jamie. And besides, I can’t leave here. This is my country, my home.”

“But Ma, he’s just going to hit you more when he finds out. It’s not safe for you here either.”

“I’ll survive, Ling. Even more when I know you two are safe there in America, far away from him.”

Ling contemplated the odds. “But you’ll come after that, right? You’ll come when you’ve saved more money?”

Ma shook her head. “It’ll be hard to. Once he finds you two gone, he won’t let me go. And – ” she hesitated.

“And what, Ma?”

“I can’t leave him either. I just can’t.”

If that was what love entailed, then Ling never, ever, wanted to be in love.

“Che, why do we have to wait so long?”

They were at the airport now, waiting at the terminal gate for their flight to be called.

They had both crossed the danger zone. Even if their father had found out, there was no way he could get to the airport, buy a plane ticket, and pass through all the immigration in time to pull them back. He couldn’t ask the airline to bar them from the flight either; Ling had turned 18 two months ago, and was now the official guardian for her brother. They were finally going to be free from his grasp. Still, Ling couldn’t help thinking of her ma every now and then.

“Shh, quiet, Jamie.” She picked up a newspaper someone had left on the seat. “Why don’t you read this and see how many new words you can learn.”

While Jamie busied himself with his new-found activity, Ling said a silent prayer for her ma, and fervently hoped she would be okay.

“Che, what does ‘refugees’ mean?”

All her high school English came into use now, and once again, Ling wished she had more books with her.

“Refugees are people who flee their home country to escape violence, usually due to war, oppression, danger and the like. These people are called refugees, because they are said to be seeking for refuge.”

He was silent for a moment. “Che? Does that mean we’re refugees?”

Ling mused. “Yes. Yes, you’re right. In a sense, we are refugees.”

(1990 WORDS)

Dictionary:

Che / Che Che – Elder sister

Ah Yi – Aunty (mother’s sister)

Ba ba – Father

SPM – A government exam taken by Fifth Form students in Malaysia; equivalent to O-Levels

******************************

The above was entered into the 2008 Commonwealth Essay Competition. The writer was awarded 'Commended' for her efforts.

You know you owe everyone a public apology when...

2008-11-01T04:40:00.002Z

Currently listening to: Second Chance by Hillsong United

"Zhenelle is hoping this is when a lil' faith's enough to see mountains lift & move"

Feeling: Sorry

I owe everyone an apology.

Last last Thursday was a very strange day for me. I'm still trying to make sense of that day, of what happened & what went wrong with me. Part of me wishes that I could just erase it from the book of my life, yet part of me knows that it happened for a reason & wants to figure out what that reason is.

A few things are certain though. Two days after, on Saturday, while our worship team was praying before worship practice, my heart was convicted to apologize to all my friends for acting so selfishly.

Because that was what it was - acting in total disregard of other people & causing undue concern amongst people who care for you & brushing them off when they're just trying to help. All very selfish acts, & I feel horrible for worrying people like that, even though all the people I called to apologize to after that kept insisting it was okay.

Well, it's not okay to me & I still can't forgive myself for being so self-absorbed.

Perhaps God is trying to tell me that I need to stop living by myself. Maybe it's time to start letting people in. But we all know how scary that can be, to let another human being inside that deepest part of your inner self.

Until I figure that out, it's back to the diary for me.

If there's one good thing that came out of this, it's the realisation that I am indeed blessed with friends who care. So here it goes, the public apology & thank-you that is dearly needed, because I'm pretty sure I missed out a few people when I called.

To Jason Chai, thank you for being the first person who dared to ask if I was okay, & sorry for brushing you off when you did.
To Miriam Tiong, thank you for your insistence in finding out if I was alright, & sorry for brushing you off yet again.
To Miriam Tiong, Davinya Suresh & Terence Chong, thank you for worrying enough about me to walk all over college (& outside college too) in search of me, & sorry for making you guys do so.
To Michelle Goh, thank you for caring enough to call, & sorry for missing your call.
To Sharon Teng, thank you for messaging to check on me, & sorry for making you worry.
To Michelle Goh, thank you for messaging to find out what happened even though you were not in the quarantine room, & sorry for having made you worry.
To Joanne Lim, thank you for calling me just to cheer me up, & sorry for making you think that I needed it.
To Yeoh Su-Ern, thank you for calling me to find out what happened, & sorry for making you look for me too.
To Jason Chai, thank you for calling to see if there was anything wrong, & sorry for missing the call.
To Roshan Mark, thank you for asking if I was okay when you saw me at the gate, & sorry for making you worry too.
To Poonam, thank you for shouting out "Are you okay?" when you were just about to enter your car, & sorry for making you worry as well.
To Ko Yan Rui, thank you for attempting to cheer me up by messaging, & sorry for making you wonder.
To Ng Chiun Min, thank you for messaging "in the morning" to see how I was, & sorry for making you think I needed it.
To Kong Chia Yew, sorry for making you think I was unwell.

& to the rest of those whom I may have missed out, thank you for caring, & sorry for making you worry.

Because I'm a terrible friend, really.

________________________________

Oh & the other good thing that came out of this? I now have a greater appreciation for Jon Foreman's music.

You know life is full of defining moments when...

2008-10-18T09:52:00.003+01:00

"Look, tourists," said her dad.

She looked up from her book & peered out of the window. Skyscrapers to her left & right, cars steadily crawling on the road before her, but no tourists. Then something caught her eye, somewhere further up front.

An old man, in his late 50s or so, head bowed & back hunched. He was on a bike that was attached to a cart with a red-edged transparent container you usually saw fruit sellers using to show their wares. So he was a food vendor. But what broke her heart was not his age or his occupation, but the sight of him. He was bent over his bike, hands fixed securely on the handles, as if they were the only things that were preventing him from collapsing altogether. Slowly but surely, he was pedaling his bike. One foot down, the other foot up. The other foot down, the other foot up. & the cycle repeated. Even from the back, she could see how much effort it was taking him to turn the wheels. She could sense the strain it was putting on him, to get the cart going no matter what it took. The cart didn't seem that heavy - but watching him cycle, you'd have thought he was chained to a Boeing 747.

Her car slowly overtook the old man. She couldn't help looking back at the old man, to see his face. His drained, forlorn figure had struck a powerful image in her mind, that of an old man stuck in his own pre-war time warp in this 21st century city. She had to see the face of this out-of-place character.

His face held no revelation. The wrinkles & furrow lines were exactly where there should be. But she could tell from his face that he bore his hard life with grit & determination, & not with resignation. At that, she wished that she were walking on the streets, so that she may stop & give him some money or buy something from him. But she was in the car.

As his silhouette fell behind, she said a prayer for him. She didn't know his story, she didn't know his circumstance. All she knew was that her heart went out to the old man, this old man whom she will never see again.